Spherx's Domain

Some day’s I like to lay around naked with my dingle dangle hanging out, singing opera, and eating chocolate ice cream…I call this my Dingle Dangle Diva Day…This has nothing to do with anything I was just putting it down on paper to let everyone know I have a Dingle Dangle Diva Day…

I was walking in the park the other day whistling some phat beats, when I stumbled upon a small newspaper with ladies on it…It was called the Victoria’s Secret catalog…Who is this Victora and what is her so-called secret?…I decided to go on a journey to find out…this proved to be a little more difficult than I thought…Spherx and the gang had locked me in the park after I had smeared poop-staches on all of their self painted portraits…To be fair I painted one on my painting also…

So I had to plan an escape out of my poop-stache-painting-prison…but in order to do so I needed to make them think I was still inside that prison…so I, using a series of flowers and grass blades, painted a to scale version of myself standing in the corner…I then hid in the bushes and made a bunch of whispers to make people think that I needed to talk to them…Patches walked by and I whispered, “Free Brains”…he seemed to hear nothing and kept walking…Cora walked by and I whispered, “Hey there is a coupon to a hair boutique in here”…nothing…finally some carny looking bastard who had a wheel holding his head up was walking by…I whispered, “Hey Bro come check this out”…He paused and opened the gate using his massive head butting powers…

I started to walk out when I realized he too left a stream of urine on the ground…curious…any who I ran off to find Victoria’s Secret…I hope it is something dirty…like really dirty…

It is time for a new job…I have looked extensively and I have decided to apply for the position of hot dog maker…My job consists of filling the skin with the ingredients that go into a hot dog…and I know that the inside of a hot dog is made up of; sawdust, ants, pig lips, human ears, bat wings, laughter, baby tears, and shovel tips…I was curious why people eat all of this shit, but then I grilled one with the team on my first day and, HOLY SHIT!!!These things are fucking amazing…My first day on the line I think I ate fifty one…I found out that the hot dog eating record was…sixty eight hot dogs…so, determined, I tried to up my score day by day…My second day I ate fifty six…I know you all are jealous…

About ten minutes after I ate the second round of hot dogs, I had to poop so bad that I could not breathe…with no where else to poop I hooked up the filling tube to my ass and filled the hot dogs with my smelly inside paste…This turned out to be one of the worst things I have ever done, because the person after my in the filling line said that the hot dogs smelled terrible and that we should taste check the first few…rather than watch every one eat my poop and loose my job I made the choice to eat all of the poop dogs…the first few were awful…like really awful…so bad that I had to throw up down the tube in to the hot dog skin, thus creating Up Dogs…hehehe…what’s Up Dogs???

So there I was eating Poop, Up, and Hot dogs…I got really sick…Pretty soon I was secreting fluids and stuff from all orifices…what I will not say, lets just end it with Children Dogs..anyways…I had to quit the job due to CDC Law and return to the domain…but at least I made two hundred bucks while I was there…

So I have been away for a little bit…why you may ask, but I will say…Okay I will tell you…I decided to take up a new sport and it has monopolized my all of time…I have been training and preparing for the tournament of a lifetime…in fact it only happens only once every hundred years…What is this sport you may ask…what is so important that I forgot about torturing all of the SD inhabitants…How come I like sports…Why are you reading this…well, this is why…Myself and a group of crazy ass people invented a game that will revolutionize how you play and watch TV, internet, and life…

It is called Basetestunchball…the idea is to wing a ball as hard as you can as someone’s testicles while challenging them to a poem-off…what does that mean you ask…well it means that you have to recite a famous poem before you get hit in the balls…if you do so, you get one point and if you also show no pain during the moment of contact, you get two points…If you are able to scream an obsenity before the ball drops without emotion you get three points…all in all a great game…

So far I have played a complete season, and even though my balls are suffering I am excited to destroy the competition for next year…While I am back i think that I will try to convince the rest of SD to compete with me…we can all buy in as a team for only 20 bucks…it has become kind of a thrill for me…I am ready for the poetic pain…My goal is to be able to recite Shel Silverstein’s poem before I get wacked…

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we’ll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we’ll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.”

After the death of my gay bird friend James, I set out on a mission to destroy something from everyone in the domain that was specifically special to them…This challenge became more and more difficult as I had to find out what precious to everyone…I started with Cora…

I rummaged through her room and found nothing but magazines with black guys on the cover, some type of rubber weapon looking thing, and a diary…After much contemplation, I decided to read her diary…I know very well that she would kill me if she knew what I did…There was nothing in her diary except for pictures of all these humans and lots of cats…I chose to take her stuffed animal Jenkins, the one she always sleeps with…somehow I am sure that this is one of her most treasured possessions…next I moved to Mac’s room…

Mac was easy…I simply took away his pots and pans and welded them all together as one…Good luck cooking with this…Sucka!!! Maybe he can make Paul Bunyan a pancake…okay two down more to go…

So I was going to take Bug’s head shield, but I know that somehow I would mess it up and end up in some strange time and would step on a butterfly and ruin the future for everyone…so I simply took a pair of his socks…he is so anal that he will notice in two seconds…and then he will scour his room for hours until he realizes that the socks have been stolen…

Quiphen and Patches were easy…For Quiphen I simply took his Superbowl I champions autographed football that looked like a giant turd…For Patches I simply took all of the brains out of the cadavers that he had stored in his closet…hehehe…

Finally it came down to Spherx…Well I had no idea so I did the usual…pull a burglar, a top shelf, and a Sanchez on all of his posters…the I got it…I should steal the Domain…again…

I was sitting in my office, well, Spherx’s office, and I was searching  for porno sites…I ran across an interesting website…I was so shocked by the photo that I found that I feel that I need to share it with you…I still am wowed by the amazing-ness…So there I sat staring at this amazing picture when it hit me…I am looking at a thing of beauty…Although, at first I was afraid that I could never share this with anyone…I have chosen to share it though I am cautious…

Now that we have that out of the way…I pooped in Spherx’s trash can and also performed a perfect poop taco…In case you do not know what that is…You take a paper plate and poop inside it then stick it into the ceiling and leave it there…That was my sheer joy for they day…I later found my way to the kitchen where I opened a brand new bottle o scotch…I drank to non-sobriety and proceeded to shaved my pubes into Mac’s burgers calling them “Alfalfa Sprouts”…In my drunken stooped I found myself in the basement area that we refer to as the garage…I found in the darkest deepest corners of the garage where I found a mystical object…in fact I found the same machine that is in the picture…so I will, at least for the remainder of my alcohol infused adventure, ride it around shaved naked taking photos…also I peed in the apple juice…

Go Here!!!

Okay so I have been trying to use toilet paper…as to Spherx’s demands and  I have found that using this toilet paper has given me certain problems…The first problem being that no matter how much you use, you never seem to be able to clean properly or feel that you cleaned properly…The second problem is…every time that I want to clean with the most limited amount of paper, for fear of clogging the toilet and pissing off Spherx’s, my finger breaks through the paper and I lightly stab my asshole and get poop all over it…okay so…number one, nice feeling but I feel like I am raping myself…number two I normally pay people to do this…at least a Thai prostitute, cause they are cheaper…So I actually have a question for you people…how do I avoid the Finger Rape?

Okay so New Years Eve started out normal…I drank my face off and humped a tire…if it wasn’t for Spherx talking to me I would have cried with my penis but he kept yelling at me…man what a dick…I moved on to my number two sex toy the couch cushion and also along the way continued to drink…Overall I think I consumed a whole bottle of Jack…that is a pretty amazing feet for me…I woke up, covered in my own children, and began to throw up all over the floor…rambo style…every second felt like a thousand years…somehow, I made it to the kitchen and began to drink water straight from the tap…as I did so I also began to pee…Spherx came into the room and began a rant about always having to clean up my urine and that it smelled like pterodactyl vomit…”Well Spherx,” I muttered, “Fuck You!”

I continued to pee as I walked around the office just to spite Spherx, bastard…about twenty minutes later the worst headache ever began to thump my brain and I started to throw up again…I then passed out and woke up the next day…today…my room is covered in poop, vomit, urine, and something that looks like blood…it is nice to be home but still…that was a ridiculous hangover…