Spherx's Domain

So I decided I’d do some spring cleaning, now that it’s summer, so I ventured into the store room to set about shredding a bunch of our old files. That’s when I found a box full of my old incriminating evidence from various crimes I committed! I didn’t just throw that out, I burned it! While I was waiting for the fire to die down I noticed a peculiar box in the corner stacked upon a column of other file boxes and decided to flip through it. The box wasn’t labeled and to my surprise, inside was a cache of polaroids of various chitti that I didn’t recognize. One was extremely obese looking, and another had a ginormous forehead propped up by a crutch on a wheel. It was kinda gross but facinating at the same time.

Suddenly, while peeping through this mysterious box, I was started by the sound of a fart out in the hallway which caused me to drop the box and lose some of the photos in the crack between the file boxes and the wall. I yelled “Fuck!” and pulled the boxes from the wall so I could get to them but soon discovered a tiny, recessed door as well. Naturally I had to investigate further and upon opening it, was over-whelmed by the stench of ramen noodles and dried blood.

The door revealed a smelly dark passageway that I cautiously crawled into. The floor got stickier and squishier as I snuck further and further into the blackness until, finally, I saw a sliver of light at the other end. I pushed aside numerous cobwebs to get a closer look at what appeared to be Cora’s room. I didn’t see much else after that because I was swifty transported from the tunnel and somehow fell out of the sky and into the neighboring junkyard with the vicious guard dogs.

As I ran for my life, I wondered about the mysterious cavern I crawled through…

Saturday night, IC and I went to a bar to try and play some foosball. Unfortunately, there was a big crowd so we had to wait a bit before we could play. We staked our claim for next game by placing a quarter on the table and then chilled at the bar until our turn came up.  We ordered some drinks and then IC said he was bored with drinking through his snout, so he poured the whiskey in his eye and screamed like a banshee! I was already on my fifth glass so I just laughed at his pain.

After another shot, IC bet me he could drink the whiskey through his penis. I told him that it was not only dangerous, but impossible yet worth fifty bucks to watch him try. And to my surprise, he hopped up onto the bar top, dropped his wiener in the glass, closed his eyes and soon the liquid was disappearing before my eyes! The glass was actually empty.

It was pretty amazing until IC snapped out of his zen moment and ubruptly pissed the whiskey back out across the backsplash. Also, there was a guy sitting next to us smoking a cigarette and the stream caught the tip and created a stream of fire, horribly burning the bartender! Even more amazing though was the bartender said it was cool and that it’s not the first time he’s seen that happen…

The foosball game still wasn’t over so we did even more drinking. I asked the bartender if I could invent a drink made of cranberry juice, ginger ale, and Jack Daniels. I called it a Ginger Jackberry and he called me a faggot. But I didn’t care, I was enjoying my drink. Suddenly, an older woman sat down next to me and asked where I came up with the idea for that drink. I told her that I was a born genius and ideas just come to me naturally. She suggested some other ideas for drinks and soon we were having a friendly conversation. Usually women don’t talk to me unless I’m doing something insulting so it was a nice change of pace. I soon learned about her job, relationship status, hobbies and so forth and she asked me what I was up to tonight. I explained that IC and I were going to compete in foosball and then she explained that she was going to go for coffee at the mall. I wished her a nice time to which she sighed and left. That’s when IC turned to me and whispered, “That chick was totally into you… you totally shoulda hit that. Growl…”

I had no idea I was being hit on. Was I? I couldn’t tell. How many other times have I mistaken friendly conversations with strangers when it was actually flirting?

These questions didn’t concern me for too long as we finally got called up to the foosball table where we dominated the evening by taking down all of our opponents. They were all frustrated that we were so good for being not so good while they considered themselves really skilled. We could have ruled the table until the bar closed but in the final game, IC accidentally let his testicles dangle too far over the table and they got pinched in between a thrust of the 3-man! Obviously he was no longer in any shape to play, so I had no teammate and we had to forfeit… but we’ll be back next week.

So I spent ALL day trying to fix the computer after Idiot Chittix went through the warehouse smashing everything with a club and burning anything that could be made into a rope. It looks like the future war in Terminator 2 around here but with fewer skulls laying around. And it smells like pee. IC’s been marking territories and recruiting members (cockroaches) into his faction. For the rest of us, it’s every quirx/chittix for himself. Why did this happen? No. I can’t worry about the why. Just gotta worry about survival.

It seems everyone has gone feral but me. Although, I’ll admit, I did skin Mac and make a coat out of his fur. I had to. IC burned our blankets and it’s really cold in here. Don’t worry, he’s alive and probably staying warm off of his body fat. Well, I think he’s alive? After he went into shock I just left him in the loading dock because I didn’t want to be around when he came to.

But that’s not even the worst of things. I’m probably gonna have to eat Bug. And there’s plenty of fire around so I don’t have to do it raw. He’s small, so there won’t be much meat, but he’s probably the easiest to trap and kill. And once I have the dimensionless headshield I can get more rope to kill IC with.

I wonder where Cora is. I hope she’s alright. Her womb is gonna be required to keep the species going once everyone else is dead.

SHH! Did you hear that? No. Nevermind. It was nothing. I guess I’m just paranoid Patches is gonna pop out of the shadows and bite me. I’m pretty sure he bit Quiphen. It was dark so I can’t be sure. But that might be good, one less to take down. I have the board with a nail in it and everyone wants it from me. But they’ll never take it. They’ll have to kill me to pry it from my paws.