Spherx's Domain

So I decided I’d do some spring cleaning, now that it’s summer, so I ventured into the store room to set about shredding a bunch of our old files. That’s when I found a box full of my old incriminating evidence from various crimes I committed! I didn’t just throw that out, I burned it! While I was waiting for the fire to die down I noticed a peculiar box in the corner stacked upon a column of other file boxes and decided to flip through it. The box wasn’t labeled and to my surprise, inside was a cache of polaroids of various chitti that I didn’t recognize. One was extremely obese looking, and another had a ginormous forehead propped up by a crutch on a wheel. It was kinda gross but facinating at the same time.

Suddenly, while peeping through this mysterious box, I was started by the sound of a fart out in the hallway which caused me to drop the box and lose some of the photos in the crack between the file boxes and the wall. I yelled “Fuck!” and pulled the boxes from the wall so I could get to them but soon discovered a tiny, recessed door as well. Naturally I had to investigate further and upon opening it, was over-whelmed by the stench of ramen noodles and dried blood.

The door revealed a smelly dark passageway that I cautiously crawled into. The floor got stickier and squishier as I snuck further and further into the blackness until, finally, I saw a sliver of light at the other end. I pushed aside numerous cobwebs to get a closer look at what appeared to be Cora’s room. I didn’t see much else after that because I was swifty transported from the tunnel and somehow fell out of the sky and into the neighboring junkyard with the vicious guard dogs.

As I ran for my life, I wondered about the mysterious cavern I crawled through…

Fucking zombie asshole! I suddenly found myself tied to a chair in a dark room. A single lightbulb dangled overhead. As my vision slowly returned to me, I made out a blurry orange blob sitting next to me and something green and yellowish on floor in front of me.

Then I was quickly distracted by an intensely stinging pain in my hand on top of the already throbbing pain from being bludgeoned in the head by a chain. I wanted to control my tears, but I couldn’t help it… it just hurt so much and there was a horrible, sweaty, fat-person smell in the room!

“OWWWW!!!!” I screamed, “What’s going on!? Why am I here!?”

“Cora!? Is that you?” I recognized Mac voice, “Mac, what are you doing here? Can you see anything? Why does my hand hurt so much?” I cried.

“I’m blindfolded. I can’t see anything.” Mac responded sluggishly.

Another voice emerged, “Your finger is missing,” it meekly interrupted.

“MISSING! MY FINGER IS MISSING!?!?”

“Is that you Quiph?”

Quiphen struggled to respond but confirmed his identity. Mac expressed relief that Quiphen was still alive and kicking. I continued to cry… especially because I’d just had my nails done.

“Well I guess now we know what happened to Patches after we left him for dead. But I’m not sure where he got that huge magnet to lift me out of the sewer.” Mac sighed.

I didn’t know what he was talking about. So Mac told me what happened at the diner. I was flattered Patches stood up for me… and I sort of understood why he was so angry. We keep him locked in a basement and everybody beat the shit out of him for being nice. He and I had a common enemy: Spherx. But then I quickly reminded myself that he was an asshole and I was missing a finger!

“Wait. What’s Cora doing here? Aren’t you suppose to be kidnapped by some douchebag named Manus?” Quiphen muttered.

“My plan. It backfired. I wasn’t kidnapped. It was all a hoax.” I admitted, taking a break from my pained whimpering.

“WHAT!? Man, Spherx was right… you are a bitch!” Mac shouted.

“I know. But what do you expect? I’m on my period.” As my vision got clearer, I could see Quiphen’s face making an expression of disgust. “I was trying to kill Spherx. I staged the ransom. Knowing none of you could deliver fifty-thousand dollars, I presupposed you’d all plan to rob a bank. Unfortunately, he wasn’t killed in a shoot-out with the police like I’d hoped.”

Quiphen sat up, “What if the police killed us too?”

“A necessary sacrifice I was willing to accept. But trust me, your sacrifice would not be forgotten… by me.”

“Well someone did shoot Spherx after that.” Mac tried to fill me in on the events at the safe-house. But I interrupted him, “I know. I did it.”

Mac was shocked, “You shot Spherx at the safe-house!?”

“And you cut off your own finger to do it?” Quiphen raised an eyebrow.

Just then, Patches entered the room, growled “Two to go,” and tossed Spherx’s body on the floor next to Quiphen. Spherx appeared to be unconscious. I tried to scream at Patches but he’d left and slammed the door behind him before I could collect my angry thoughts.

“I would have yelled at Patches myself, but it really sounds like this whole situation is your fault Cora…” Mac suggested.

“Cora’s behind all this?” Spherx suddenly whispered.

“And Patches too. But he’s just motivated by rage it seems.”

“Makes sense, I did have you beat the shit out of him. Which means I brought this on us… and sorry Quiphen. I never loaded your gun.” Spherx whispered. Quiphen reached over and kicked Spherx in his wound.

“ARGH! I know! But I didn’t load IC’s either! So I still don’t know how you got shot! I swear!”

“Well since we’re being honest… and not that it really matters now… but I rigged the van to explode.” Quiphen admitted. Mac instantly became furious, “WHAT! I WAS DRIVING AROUND A TICKING TIME BOMB!?”

“Yeah, yet apparently not fast enough because it never went off.”

Suddenly, the door sprung open and a stunted silhouette stood within the illuminated frame. “It didn’t go off because you left certain variables out of your equation,” Bug stepped forward, his gun pointed at us, “You see, while the top speed of a forty year old van may be sixty miles per hour, you failed to account for the thirty pounds of cake Mac consumed, made all the heavier with mercury baked into it, thus diminishing the vehicle’s ability to reach top speed! But don’t take it personally Mac, the explosion was meant to kill us all.”

“Mercury baked into a cake? That’s a terrible recipe… ooo, I feel sick.” Mac mumbled.

Bug continued, “Obviously. It seems our blood-thirsty friend upstairs left a contaminated confection for you at the safehouse that you just couldn’t resist. Then he must have stolen that super-charged magnet from my lab and chased us down after he was done bringing Quiphen back here.”

“Well, you can stop pointing the gun at us. We’re obviously no longer a threat.” Quiphen replied.

“On the contrary, two threats remain and one of them is not Patches. Even my advanced intellect can’t calculate every variable in a world dominated by mathematical chaos, so until I figure out how IC obtained a loaded gun… I’m not letting any of you go.”

“It was me,” Mac sighed, “I gave him some of my bullets. But I told him he had to hide them up his ass so Spherx wouldn’t find out. I was hoping he’d forget about them and slowly die of lead poisoning, again freeing up one more share of the money.”

“But I didn’t die, DID I!” Idiot Chittix announced as he climbed up through a drain in the floor, “Instead, I got so scared when I dropped my gun that I farted at the same time the customer picked it up and my hot butt wind ignited the one bullet that shot Quiphen! By the way, I lost Spherx in the sewer… oh wait, there he is.”

“I can’t believe your ass ACTUALLY almost killed me!” Quiphen exclaimed.

“Wow, that’s like the stupidest plan so far.” I added.

Spherx shook his head, “So, Bug’s the only one who didn’t try to kill anybody?”

Bug lowered his gun, “Well, that’s not entirely true. I did forge the DNA test for Cora’s finger… actually I never did the test. I just said it was hers because I knew you’d all just believe me since I’m the smart one. I wanted to strengthen our case to rob the bank. I had an elaborate and detailed plan to take you all out after the heist, but I’m not gonna stand here like a James Bond villain and reveal it to you so Patches can sneak up behind me while I’m distracted. I’ll just save it for later… just… in… case.”

Bug proceeded to untie me from my chair. IC climbed up on Mac and took off his blindfold, followed by the ropes around his hands.

“Well, if you never did a DNA test on my finger, then WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FINGER!?” I yelled.

“HOLY SHIT! Your finger is missing!” IC screamed.

“I had them all when I shot Spherx!”

“And when you wrote the fake ransom obviously,” Spherx muttered.

“Actually, I had IC write the ransom. I figured his terrible handwritting would look more convincing.”

IC stopped freeing Mac, “Aw… you told me I had pretty handwriting…”

Spherx turned to IC with a furious look on his face, “YOU HANDED ME THAT NOTE KNOWING IT WAS TOTALLY FAKE!?”

“I thought we were playing a game. You didn’t know it was fake when I signed it ‘Manus’? Ma-anus? My anus? Hehehe…” IC giggled.

“Okay focus guys! Patches is roaming upstairs somewhere in rage mode! We have to stop him!” Bug shouted.

Those of us who weren’t suffering from internal bleeding rushed upstairs to the kitchen. The others crawled.

“Yeah, but we still haven’t figured out what happened to my finger!” I complained.

Just then we felt the chill of death behind us.

“I was hungry. Didn’t get to eat at the diner…”

“Are we really doing this?” I asked as we all sat around the table, groggy from an early morning rise. I gently sipped my hot chocolate as I kept a vigilant eye on any cops showing up for their first donut of the day. Quiphen sat across from me, sharpening his switchblade. Mac was tearing out and eating the pictures of food in the diner’s menu. And IC was standing on the table pressing his ass cheeks against the window as people walked by.

Bug curled up our blueprint of the heist and hid it under the table. “I know none of us really cares if Cora lives or dies, but if we don’t give in to Manus’ demands, any one of us could be next!”

“There must be another way to get the $50,000 dollars…” I suggested.

“I already tried whoring myself out, but all I could sell was handjobs and that only earned me seven dollars and a bag of Skittles.” IC interrupted as he sat back down in the booth.

Bug reiterated, “There’s no turning back. As soon as Patches arrives with the van, we’re a go! Just execute the plan as I’ve instructed. I’ve calculated it to a 99 percent chance of success as long as you all stick to it exactly!”

There was a short silence among the group. Then, without saying anything, we could see it in each others’ eyes that we were all having the same thought. “You know… 50 grand could really fix up the warehouse… just imagine a fully stocked kitchen…” Mac inferred.

“Cora hates every one of us. If she was in our shoes, she’d probably be happy to let us rot. How do we even know it was really her finger that Manus sent us?” Quiphen added.

“I performed a DNA test. It was a match. It’s her finger… but you’re right, she hates our guts and I could sure use some new equipment in the lab!” Bug added.

Just then, Patches burst into the diner and sat down with the group at the table.  “Hey guys, we’re golden. Our wheels are parked out front and our cache of boomsticks are waiting inside! So what are we all talking about?” he inquired energetically.

As Mac tried to bring Patches up to speed, the waitress came over to take his order. Mac abruptly zipped his lips.

The weathered-looking waitress asked, “What can I get ya… uh… guy? You feelin’ alright? You look a little mangy…”

“Uh.. rough day at the office. I’ll have the steak. Extra bloody.” Patches ordered. The waitress wrote down the order, gave Patches a second and prolonged glanced before walking back to the kitchen.

“Do you think she’s on to us!?” IC whispered. “No she’s not on to us. How could she be on to us? Now what were we talking about?” I replied.

“We were discussing keeping the cash and abandoning Cora.”

Patches shot back in his seat. “What!? You can’t be serious! I know she’s a bitch sometimes-”

“All the time.” the group added in unison.

“Fine, all the time. But she’s still one of us!” Patches pleaded with the group.

IC leaned over to Patches and suggested, “Did we mention you get a sixth of 50,000 dollars?”

“Forget it. I’ll have no part in this. You can take my share and put it toward her ransom! And I’m taking the van back. You greedy bastards can do this job without me!”

Just as Patches stood up to storm away, I stepped out in front of him and pressed a fork into his chest.

“What’s this? You gonna stab me with that fork Spherx!? After all we’ve been through!? You guys are gonna turn on your own over some stupid human money!”

“A LOT of money.” IC added as he waived a bottle of ketchup in Patches’ face.

“Let’s take a walk outside… through the back door.” I motioned to the exit with the fork. Mac and IC chuckled at the mention of through the back door.

I pushed Patches outside the diner with IC, Mac, Bug, and Quiphen in tow. We lined him up along the chain link fence running between the diner and the KFC. The rising sun along the horizon beamed a pink and orange glow across the parking lot, causing Patches to squint a little as he looked into the penetrating eyes of each of his comrades.

“This won’t end well. And it won’t end with me. You’ll double-cross each other until none of you are left!”

“Hand over the keys to van.” I ordered in a stern tone.

Patches wasn’t afraid of me. “Go to Hell.” he said. Then I shot an approving look to Quiphen who readied his baseball bat and took a bone-shattering swipe to Patches’ leg.

“ARGH!!!! You son-of-a-bitch! You fuckers! You’ll never get away with this!”

I looked at Quiphen again giving him the okay for another hit. Quiphen cracked Patches across the head and knocked a tooth out of his snout. Patches spit out some blood and cried out in pain, “FUCK YOU, SPHERX! Is that all you got Queer-fin?” Quiphen struck Patches in the head one more time which finally knocked him out. IC ran over, grabbed Patches’ hat and farted in it before putting it back on his head. He giggled and then took the van keys out of Patches’ shorts.

“If you’re not with us, you’re against us. Now let’s go rob a bank.” Spherx said as he pointed the fork toward the van. Everyone piled into the junky, rundown van with Mac taking the drivers’ seat and with IC riding shotgun. Quiphen and I rode in the back and organized the weapons while Bug booted up the surveillance equipment. Once the guns were loaded, all but one, Quiphen passed them around.

“Make sure IC gets one with just blanks. I don’t think I have to explain why.” I instructed. For the rest of the ride to the bank we came up with operation codenames for each other as the screen divided into 4 views of the same scene but each from a different characters’ perspective. And then the dashboard clock ticked to 10:00:00 am.

So, my origin eh…well…it is an interesting tale of conspiracy, deceit, and foreplay…It all started on a rainy day in August…

I was sitting in my high high rise apartment that I earned from my job as a Lawyer, staring out the window when I got the call…It was a man with the name “Mr A”…he told me to refer to him as Mr. A and I decided that would be the best case, seeing as that I had no idea who he was…He told me that he found my brother and that he wanted to connect the two of us together because of the death of my mother…I had no idea who my mother was and the fact that she was dead was no real shock to me…although I did feel a little bit of sadness…But it quickly disappeared from the poop I had to take…anywho…

I had to return to my home planet to sign the death certificate of the mother I had never met and meet the brother I had never met…It was a quick trip, or so it seemed…I took a bunch of sleeping pills I got from another chittix in the same office…

The first thing I awoke to was to my brother whom I had never met…his name was turd…and he had a lot of baggage that I did not need to know…in fact I could have cared less about his position in life…that was until I told him that…”I don’t care about you or the position of your life.” is literally what I said…I think that these words pissed him off and he stormed off into the distance…

I woke up in a daze and had a funny blurry sensation…I could not stop drooling and farting…and there was a fuzzy figure staring at me from above…His smell was somewhat familiar and I felt as if he was talking to me although I could not understand him…When the blur wore of I realized that I could not understand him even though all my senses were in order…He hit me with a heavy object and I again blacked out…

I woke up as foul mouthed and smelly as most know today…I had no idea what to do so I began to wander across the world like a Kung Fu master…I chose to wander into a town of chittix and quirx that was a major port city for the universe…There was this attractive ship that had caught my eye…so I wandered my way to it…I am not sure if it was the bad food or simply my new digestive system make-up but I was busting ass worse than a sewer vent…

I boarded the ship looking for others but I found no one…so I decided to take a nap…I woke up to a familiar face…he looked like the man I saw on the cover of the Sportsalien Illustrated…I got so nervous that I jumped up and farted, kick and vomited all at the same time…aparently this was bad because he slipped on the vomit and died, but the fart brought him back to life…but he was nothing the same…he was a walking dead…

I found two more creatures but they were fighting and guns were being shot…Some one appeared out of a helmet from behind me and I got scared again  and farted a long fart and a part of my intestines came out…I was so concerned about my intestines that I passed out…I woke up one more time and some huge jock looking dude was standing over me holding a stick that was rounded and he was swinging it around saying “Home-run”…needless to say I passed out once more…My final waking moment was on earth and I have been living the dream ever since…also I think I was hit on the head and became mentally retarded…but that is just a guess…I cannot wait until tonight, it is pancake night…

After the death of my gay bird friend James, I set out on a mission to destroy something from everyone in the domain that was specifically special to them…This challenge became more and more difficult as I had to find out what precious to everyone…I started with Cora…

I rummaged through her room and found nothing but magazines with black guys on the cover, some type of rubber weapon looking thing, and a diary…After much contemplation, I decided to read her diary…I know very well that she would kill me if she knew what I did…There was nothing in her diary except for pictures of all these humans and lots of cats…I chose to take her stuffed animal Jenkins, the one she always sleeps with…somehow I am sure that this is one of her most treasured possessions…next I moved to Mac’s room…

Mac was easy…I simply took away his pots and pans and welded them all together as one…Good luck cooking with this…Sucka!!! Maybe he can make Paul Bunyan a pancake…okay two down more to go…

So I was going to take Bug’s head shield, but I know that somehow I would mess it up and end up in some strange time and would step on a butterfly and ruin the future for everyone…so I simply took a pair of his socks…he is so anal that he will notice in two seconds…and then he will scour his room for hours until he realizes that the socks have been stolen…

Quiphen and Patches were easy…For Quiphen I simply took his Superbowl I champions autographed football that looked like a giant turd…For Patches I simply took all of the brains out of the cadavers that he had stored in his closet…hehehe…

Finally it came down to Spherx…Well I had no idea so I did the usual…pull a burglar, a top shelf, and a Sanchez on all of his posters…the I got it…I should steal the Domain…again…

I have been talking to my new friend James… he is a bird that hangs outside of my bedroom window sometimes… recently more than ever… I think he has a crush on me, but I don’t know how to tell him that I am not bird gay… I am only down with the females that coo at me…

Any who, we have been talking and both of us have come to the conclusion that I need to switch rooms… The room I am in now is a little small and the two of us think that I deserve more space… The walls are so covered and thick that I feel claustrophobic… “Time for a change” as James the gay bird says… I set out a plan to steal someone’s room… one think I thought about was to simply flood the house and then when everyone was out of the house I would just swim into the room I wanted and would board up the room from the inside… but the more I thought about it the more I thought about how the house could not hold enough water for me to swim in anyways… the house would explode like it was full of dynamite…

So plan A was a failure… what would be the most logical method of getting someone’s room… It finally hit me… I would have to knock them out or put them into a deep sleep… them move all of their stuff before they wake up… I choose to take Cora’s room… I still have some left over roofies from my Dramamine tripping days… I made her a special cocktail and left it on the window seal… now all I have to do is play the waiting game… good thing I have some company…James told me this plan was perfect… I cannot wait to see what happens…

So I reluctantly went along with Mac and IC’s latest plan to exterminate the mutant cockroaches only out of bizarre curiosity. Last night, they masterminded converting Mac’s ass into a flamethrower.

The plan was for Mac to eat a feast of only beans and aparagus and then walk backward into the basement with Idiot Chittix following beside him holding a lighter up to his asshole. Thus, the subsequent flatulence resulted in a make-shift (or “make-shit”. Thankfully not.) flamethrower to torch those creepy roaches into oblivion.

I’m really fortunate I had no role in this plan and got to sit on the sidelines and watch it all go down.  Aside from cinging his butt a little, the plan worked really well. And because the fire sucked up the air, there wasn’t any fart smell to deal with!

Once all the bugs were toast, we searched the basement for Spherx’s body. To our amazement, he was actually alive but in really bad shape. It turns out the roaches laid a bunch of their eggs in his stomach and because they’re mutant eggs, Bug says they have an accelerated growth rate. So, while we were coming up with a rescue plan, they hatched and exited Spherx’s body by… any avenue available. Even made some new ones. I’d like to paint a better picture of Spherx’s appearance right now… but there isn’t one. It’s absolutely horrible. You can barely recognize him. Simply grizzly.

Although, in all fairness to the roaches, some of the damage is from Mac beating him with a pipe. And since IC peed on him, he’s probably battling an infection.

So I was wandering around the office the other day when I smelled an odor that smelled faintly of the dinner  I consumed the previous night in rotten form…and yet…it smelled somewhat, not me…regardless I continued down the hall into the main office so that I could continue to play some video games…As I got closer to the game room the smell began to increase in intensity…I began to weep at the sheer power of the smell and was forced to military crawl the remainder of the way.

As I finally entered the room I saw the fat and disgusting Mac chilling in my bean bag eating nachos and farting into a bag and smelling it.  I freaked out on him and began to punch the bag as if it were his face…He got offended and ran out of the room crying…I would be lying if I said I did not smell his brand…it was still not as strong as my musk…

In summation…Don’t Mess with the Big IC and his power of POO!!!