by Bug Einme

Well recently, while I was pondering whether or not we actually exist (ok I was in the corner still reeling from the fact that I ran out of Rice Crispy Treats), I got to wondering about how it is possible that so many science fiction shows manage to travel faster than the speed of light, but none of them agree on how we can actually do it? In Star Trek, space is distorted and all the ships race around the galaxy at “warp speeds”. In Star Wars, people travel around using hyper drives, but these devices are hardly gone into. In Stargate people jump from planet to planet using wormholes. (Am I the only one who notices that all these series start with the word star?)

Anyhow I would like to put forward my own feeling on how we can travel faster than the speed of light. It involves a monkey, a sloth, and a couple particles of anti-matter (just a little bit that is some powerful stuff you are using). First you manage to suspend the anti-matter in a flux of Jell-O. Jell-O acts as a wonderful medium for transporting anti-matter. (The reason for this is college students won’t eat it. This might not seem impressive, but after living off of cafeteria dorm food for a year, a college student will eat anything). Now, you place the Jell-O mold in a room capable of withstanding a couple thousand nuclear assaults (so it can handle the energy released). In this room, add the monkey, make sure it is territorial or this plan won’t work. After you add the monkey, introduce the sloth to the environment. If the monkey gets jealous then you have success. As we all know, simians and other animals of lesser intelligence will start flinging ummmm… well you know, they fling their waste excrement around. (If you need an example of this just beat Idiot Chittix at, well, anything. Those of you who are loyal readers of this column should find it interesting, the Fine China Incident, it all came about when Tergix challenged Idiot Chittix to a game of Name That Dynasty. Idiot Chittix thought he was challenged to a game of Dynasty Warriors and, well, the situation got real *ahem* messy). Anyway back to the subject, when the monkey starts flinging around his waste product, some of it is bound to hit the Jell-O mold containing the anti-matter. This will cause a highly energetic reaction. With this, anyone can power their chosen mode of vehicular transportation to the tremendous energy requirements necessary for faster than light travel.

One of the great things about this method is it cleans itself up. Since the waste is transformed into pure energy, there is no mess to deal with. And the only downside is the monkey might accidentally vaporize itself and the sloth and the Jell-O mold and probably start a chain reaction, which will start off destroying only the ship but eventually spreading as an uncontrollable blob of pure energy that will eventually culminate in destroying the entire universe. But the odds of that happening are only 1 in 100,000,000,000,000,000,000. For those of you out there who are going to try and steal this method, I have already patented it. And have filed it neatly away in my dimensionless head protector under alternative methods of hyperspace. In fact the testing should be underway even as I type this article. So Ha!!! Oh wait a sec. I forgot to multiply by the value of pi. Hmmmmm. UH OH!!!! It looks like the probability of destroying the universe by this method is only 1 in 1. Well guess I will just file this one under Doomsday devices instead. Uh oh, I have a REALLY important call to make to the lab. Ummm. Hope to see you in my next article! Actually I hope to be able to be around to write my next article. Oh well I am sure we will all look back on this and laugh in a few years. I hope. That is the last time I invent something that I came up with in one of my dreams. Well except for maybe that device that can freeze all space-time.