Spherx's Domain

As I flipped through the newspapers of this planet, watched TV, surfed the net, downloaded porn, I was constantly reminded of the current “crisis” as a lot of you call it. 

I am of course talking about the BP Horizon Platform Oil Spill. 

If you’re not familiar with this, well, you’re an idiot.

IC, the BP Horizon Platform was an off shore oil rig that had an explosion on it.  This caused it to catch fire sinking into the ocean, and it’s well was left open via the pipe that was attached…

IC, an off shore oil rig is a platform that drills into the ocean floor for the purpose of pumping out oil….

IC, oil is a fossil fuel that is found within the earths crust that is used in the creation of fuels for….

IC, play with this ball.

Anyway, back to my idea.  There are a lot of people out there who are crying about the environmental damage and are crying for BP’s head, as well as how the governement is not doing enough about it.  There have been countless polls about the public opinion of BP as well as of the governments response.  There have even been some comparisons to Hurricane Katrina, which frankly, was far worse then this oil spill, but explaining the differences to people will be like trying to explain this article to IC (see above). 

However I don’t view this as a “crisis” or a “disaster” or a “travesty”.  To me, this Horizon Oil Spill is an “opportunity” in disguise. 

I say, we light it on fire, and have people surf on it. 

VOILA!!  FIRE SURFING!!

Can you see it?  Hello X Games?  Are you there?

Say goodbye fear factor.  Eating bugs is no longer scary.

See ya Survivor.  When you get voted off fire surfing, you die.

So long Ninja Warrior.  You can take your jumping from padded bridge to padded bridge over normal water, because you’re not really a warrior, until you’ve surfed on water, that is on FIRE. 

Oh that’s not good enough for you?  Let’s throw some pissed off sharks in there that have been in a tiny tank and starved for the last month.  There you go.  Surfing on burning oilwater over pissed off hungry sharks. 

Some network out there will buy and air this idea.  America will watch it.

I know for a fact that America will watch this because America watches “Jersey Shore”. 

Nuff said.

So there I was, sitting there, minding my own business…when…out of nowhere…came a unique type of rain that I never would have expected…It was raining  Jack Daniels and all I could do was open my mouth and drink in the flavor…I realized that the more I was getting drunk the more pain I was feeling…it dawned on me that the pain was not from the alcohol entering my system…it was from the shards of glass that were falling with the booze…I went inside to get an umbrella that I had because I needed protection from the glass but also wanted to drink the booze still…

So there I was, with my umbrella, minding my own business…when…the umbrella began to get holes in it…I thought I was safe but the glass shards were penetrating the umbrella and slicing up my toes…well I thought it was my toes…turns out it was only one toe…okay so maybe it was not my toe…it was my penis…

So there I was, with my hole ridden umbrella and my detached penis, minding my own business…when…HOLY SHIT MY PENIS CAME OFF!!!!!!!!

IC told me there is this movie where a guy sews three people together, ass-to-mouth. I didn’t believe him until he showed me the trailer online. But even then, I thought it was one of those fake trailers. About a week later, one of my favorite theatres announced it would be hosting a midnight showing of the film. At that point I thought IC had really gone out of his way to perpetrate this hoax. But it was true and we made plans to see it with a crowd but couldn’t make it because we’d spent too much time playing his new ball-poem game and forgot due to the intense pain.

Luckily (or rather unluckily) while scouring the OnDemand service of a house we broke into late that night after drinking a lot and spray painting peoples’ dogs, we found the movie on Pay-Per-View! Still drunk, we watched it. In the opening scene, the creepy guy hunts a human on the highway. During this, Mac explained to us the best ways to cook human flesh. If we weren’t so drunk we would have acknowledged it as disturbing. Except Patches. He stormed out of the room upon hearing this discussion.

After the movie, IC proclaimed it to be the best movie of all-time and then threw up mid-sentence. I threw up from watching him throw-up and then laughed because the projection knocked off Mac’s chef-hat. Patches returned just in time to slip on the vomit soaked floor, get pissed off, and leave again. After we all stopped laughing, we quickly passed out.

The next morning we woke up and Idiot Chittix was missing. We searched the warehouse until we spotted a trail of blood and cotton which led us to him. IC had sewn two of his stuffed animals to himself ass-to-mouth and cut the tendons in his knees so he could only crawl. But he was really weak from all the alcohol, anesthesia, and infected surgery so he didn’t get very far.

So I have been away for a little bit…why you may ask, but I will say…Okay I will tell you…I decided to take up a new sport and it has monopolized my all of time…I have been training and preparing for the tournament of a lifetime…in fact it only happens only once every hundred years…What is this sport you may ask…what is so important that I forgot about torturing all of the SD inhabitants…How come I like sports…Why are you reading this…well, this is why…Myself and a group of crazy ass people invented a game that will revolutionize how you play and watch TV, internet, and life…

It is called Basetestunchball…the idea is to wing a ball as hard as you can as someone’s testicles while challenging them to a poem-off…what does that mean you ask…well it means that you have to recite a famous poem before you get hit in the balls…if you do so, you get one point and if you also show no pain during the moment of contact, you get two points…If you are able to scream an obsenity before the ball drops without emotion you get three points…all in all a great game…

So far I have played a complete season, and even though my balls are suffering I am excited to destroy the competition for next year…While I am back i think that I will try to convince the rest of SD to compete with me…we can all buy in as a team for only 20 bucks…it has become kind of a thrill for me…I am ready for the poetic pain…My goal is to be able to recite Shel Silverstein’s poem before I get wacked…

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we’ll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we’ll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.”

Curling.  What the  hell is it?

I got addicted to it during the olympics and I don’t know why.

And another thing, is it a requirement for Women’s Curlers to be viciously hot?

Because that part’s awesome.

Saturday night, IC and I went to a bar to try and play some foosball. Unfortunately, there was a big crowd so we had to wait a bit before we could play. We staked our claim for next game by placing a quarter on the table and then chilled at the bar until our turn came up.  We ordered some drinks and then IC said he was bored with drinking through his snout, so he poured the whiskey in his eye and screamed like a banshee! I was already on my fifth glass so I just laughed at his pain.

After another shot, IC bet me he could drink the whiskey through his penis. I told him that it was not only dangerous, but impossible yet worth fifty bucks to watch him try. And to my surprise, he hopped up onto the bar top, dropped his wiener in the glass, closed his eyes and soon the liquid was disappearing before my eyes! The glass was actually empty.

It was pretty amazing until IC snapped out of his zen moment and ubruptly pissed the whiskey back out across the backsplash. Also, there was a guy sitting next to us smoking a cigarette and the stream caught the tip and created a stream of fire, horribly burning the bartender! Even more amazing though was the bartender said it was cool and that it’s not the first time he’s seen that happen…

The foosball game still wasn’t over so we did even more drinking. I asked the bartender if I could invent a drink made of cranberry juice, ginger ale, and Jack Daniels. I called it a Ginger Jackberry and he called me a faggot. But I didn’t care, I was enjoying my drink. Suddenly, an older woman sat down next to me and asked where I came up with the idea for that drink. I told her that I was a born genius and ideas just come to me naturally. She suggested some other ideas for drinks and soon we were having a friendly conversation. Usually women don’t talk to me unless I’m doing something insulting so it was a nice change of pace. I soon learned about her job, relationship status, hobbies and so forth and she asked me what I was up to tonight. I explained that IC and I were going to compete in foosball and then she explained that she was going to go for coffee at the mall. I wished her a nice time to which she sighed and left. That’s when IC turned to me and whispered, “That chick was totally into you… you totally shoulda hit that. Growl…”

I had no idea I was being hit on. Was I? I couldn’t tell. How many other times have I mistaken friendly conversations with strangers when it was actually flirting?

These questions didn’t concern me for too long as we finally got called up to the foosball table where we dominated the evening by taking down all of our opponents. They were all frustrated that we were so good for being not so good while they considered themselves really skilled. We could have ruled the table until the bar closed but in the final game, IC accidentally let his testicles dangle too far over the table and they got pinched in between a thrust of the 3-man! Obviously he was no longer in any shape to play, so I had no teammate and we had to forfeit… but we’ll be back next week.