Spherx's Domain

Ok, so now that Nascar is in full gear, Baseball is around the corner, Hockey is nearing the post season, football is still 5 months away, march madness is over, and the NBA sucks, all we really have to do is play video games and watch movies.  Since the rest of the guys play all the Final Fantasy RPG bullshit games, all I get to do is watch movies.  And what better then to watch all of my favorite sports movies that I have lined up in the corner of my alcove of a room.  So here it is the Quiphen Top 10 Sports Movie list:

10. Rocky III and Rocky Iv

Come on, cult classics.  Rocky vs. Mr. T and Rocky vs. Dolph Lundren.  Awesome.  Same formula, same style, same result.  Go America.  Best Line: “I must break you”

9. The Replacements

This is a movie that flat out does not take itself seriously.  Mainly because Keanu is in it.  But it is pretty funny, and there are a lot of unfunny football movies.  Best Line: “Hey, cheers bitch” – muttered to a female reporter by the Welch placekicker while he’s at his locker with his helmet on, in nothing but his underware and smoking a cigarette.

8. Rudy

Feel good story about a hobbit who really wants to play football at Notre Dame.  Best Line: “Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy”

7. Eight Men Out

Based on the true story of the Black Sox scandel of 1919.  An ensemble cast gives great performances in this biopic.  Best Line: “Say it ain’t so Joe.  Say it ain’t so.”

 6. Major League 2

Love this flick.  The first one rocked, but this one is a favorite of mine for some sillier lines.  The story is not as good but I applaud the fact that they went away from vulgar language based humor, although some was still there.  And Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle is perfect in every movie.  Best Line: “Hello Sportsfans and welcome back to Major League Baseball.  Sort of.”

5. Hoosiers

Classic flick.  Great underdog story.  Dennis Hopper as a drunk, and Gene Hackman as a washed up coach getting a second chance.  There are numerous ripoffs of this movie.   I can’t think of a Best Line because I haven’t seen this in ages.

4. Talladega Nights – The Ballad or Ricky Bobby

Any movie that makes fun of Nascar is Awesome.  And Amy Adams and Lesley Bibb are freakin HOT.  Best Line: “Hi I’m Ricky Bobby, and if you don’t chew Big Red then Fuck you.”

3. Bull Durham

Epic about life in Minor League Baseball.  Classic lines and classic characters.  Tim Robbins and Kevin Costner give great comedic performances and Susan Sorandon is actually not bad to look at for someone in her late hundreds.  Best Line: “Alright Charlie, here it is, the deuce.  And when you speak, speak well of me.”

2. Slap Shot

Paul Newman is a hockey player and manager of a last place minor league hockey team that is going to fold at the end of the year.  So he lies to his team saying there is a buyer and convinces them to start fighting to win.  Hockey violence and a naked chick.  Awesome.  It’s the oldest movie on my list, but a must have for any hockey fan.  Plus it’s got the Hansons.  Best Line “Puttin on the foil”.

1.  Miracle

The story behind the 1980 Miracle on Ice when the USA stunned the Soviet Union in hockey.  As a huge fan of my adopted nation, I love this flick.  And I watched it about 30 times during the olympics.  Kurt Russel plays a great Herb Brooks too.  Good times, good times.  Best Line: “Do you believe in Miracles?!?! YES!!!”

Honorable Mentions to: Rocky, Raging Bull, Major League, Any Given Sunday, The Natural, Days of  Thunder.

Hmm… sometimes just nothing is going on. Usually there is some kind of wackiness going on around here, but for the past few days it’s been unusually quiet. I suppose that’s in part from IC being out somewhere random trying to solve his mid-life crisis.

I suppose I could write about something I saw on the street yesterday that was pretty weird. These two guys found a bottle on the sidewalk, picked it up to throw it away, and suddenly some guy in a top-hat, huge cartoon eyes, and a big furry mustache appeared like a genie would. I guess it was a magic bottle! I was too far away to hear what they were saying to each other. If the top-hat guy was actually genie, I suppose the two dudes probably asked him for infinite amounts of money.

But maybe he wasn’t a genie, because out of thin air, he made a baseball bat appear and he took a swing at one of the guys, knocking him out cold. The top-hat guy took his wallet and then handed the money to the unconcious guy’s friend. And while that guy was distracted by the horror of watching his friend get messed up and grabbing the money, the top-hat guy knocked his ass out too! Then the top-hat guy pocketed the cash and flew away yelling, “I’m coming for you next Captain Eccentric!”

Yes, this did happen. And hopefully someone recorded the whole thing with their iPhone or something. I’m searching YouTube right now to find it and prove I’m not a liar.

I went out to buy a car today…too bad I have no credit or money…so I ended up stealing a car, in fact the car that I got was the biggest piece of crap I have ever seen…I am sure they just let me have it even though I technically thieved it from them…Now why I stole the car, one may ask, well…I am having a midlife crisis…I have become MC IC…or Midlife Crisis Idiot Chittix…

I took my beater car down main street to holla at the ladies when the damn thing because to sputter…I took that as a hint that I needed to buy a gun…I went to the nearest gun shop and began my selection…of course I bought the biggest gun I could…The magnum….I mostly did this to recreated my hero Magnum PI…I grew a Tom Selleck Mustache and began to imagine that I was the mag and I was trying to solve a case…

This turned out to be an interesting moment as, I somehow managed to get entangled with the local police force…what I thought was just another episode of Magnum PI, turned into one of the Police academy movies and I was whisked away and was known as Mahoney…

The academy was ruff, but I somehow made it to the end…I give that honor to the team mates that helped me, especially you High Tower…I owe you one…Now what to do with this badge…

Yesterday, we took a field trip to see some pandas at the zoo. They pretty much didn’t do anything so we left after 30 minutes. Shortly after, a snowstorm emerged and buried the city in a heavy slush that caused numerous vehicles to become stranded on the highway and backed up traffic for miles, causing hours of delays. We were stuck in the back of a flatbed secretly harboring mexicans. We couldn’t understand each other, but we both had a non-verbal pack not to rat the other out.

To pass the 5 hours we were trapped in the truck, the mexicans challenged IC to a cock fight. They dressed the chicken they weren’t eating in a mini-sombrero and placed him in the circle to fight IC. Mac and I placed some bets on the chicken but as soon as the match began, IC pissed in the chicken’s face – disorienting it before finally just snapping it’s neck and feasting on it like raw KFC. I had no idea IC was a master cock-fighter.

I am not quite sure how yesterday happened…I know where it started and I know a slide show of the events but much of last night is darkness…I must warn you…it was a little vile, even for me…

It all started at La Tacuero Pantalones…my favorite Mexican bar…they have deep fried sopa pias and many different kinds of tequila…oh the tequila…oh jesus the tequila…

I bet a guy that I could beat him at pool and the consequence was that whoever won would start the shot war and would pay for the first few rounds…The beginning of the shot was was fine…I took my first two shots like a man, well and alien man…The next shot was a little hard to swallow…hehehhe, swallow…

Okay so here I was feeling a little tipsy and the other guy, Julio, was well in control of his liquor…shit…I am in trouble…so I did what every other self respecting male alien would do…I challenged him to a bottle off…This was the best idea I have ever had, ever…Holy shit that bottle had a little kick, the room started to spin and the darkness…

The first slide that I remember was doing the cha-cha with some bearded lady…man that he-she had some terrible breath…The second slide was me paying some guy for a suit on the corner of some street and then farting on him after the deal was done and taking my money back…The third and final slide was of me humping a tree dressed as a giant jalepeno…

All of these moments feel like things I would do but the last one seems a little out of place…I feel like I was humping something that looked like a tree but I can’t quite put my finger on it…Oh well…What should I do this evening…maybe I should try to recover my lost memories…I will head over to my favorite bar and get my jalapeno on…

I DID IT!!!!  WOOHOO!!!!  That’s right, I rock.  Well come on, what the hell did you expect.  I’m the only one who gets out and actually gets exercise.  The others are so fucking lethargic that it’s surprising that I actually had some competition.

So basically how the tournament worked is not the standard tournament that all you people are used to.  Each of the 6 teams (Team Quiphen, Team Spherx, Team Mac, Team Patches, Team IC and Team Cora) will play each other once, and after that, the team with the best record wins.  After a day where Bug grew all of the clones we had (six each because this tournament is 7 on 7), we were ready to go.  Until I realized that nobody knew how to play rugby.  So after a grueling 1 hour training session, we were ready to go.  There were some good games, and some bad ones.  It seems the competition was quickly going one way with 3 contenders and 3 pretenders.  Game 1 consisted of Team Quiphen taking Cora behind the woodshed like most of her dates, with a 35 -5 score.  Mac took on Patches in a match that was easy pie for Mac, because Patches’ clones didn’t care about the game, they just went after all the clones.  Mac cruised to a 22 – 0 victory, although he lost 2 clones in the process to the Patchi.  Spherx then took on IC in the main event of round 1 and Spherx worked his way through the throng of gas and pee and shit to squeak out a 23-19 victory. 

Round 2 got started with Cora forfeiting against IC because of the smell, handing IC a victory.  Spherx then took Patches on and, being quicker then Mac, was able to avoid any clone losses with a 38 – 0 win.  Quiphen continued his roll but was given a bit of resistance from Mac in a good fight, but came out on top with a 30 – 14 win.  Round 3 saw Quiphen run circles around the zombie clones due to his awesomeness and gaining his 3rd victory to Patches 3rd loss by a score of 49 – 0.  IC then took on Mac in the grossest and lowest scoring match of the tourny, the amount of shit, piss and food that was on the pitch required a day break for cleanup.  Nobody scored a try in this one.  Only one lucky goal kick by Mac gave his side the victory 2 – 0. 

The last match of the day was Spherx vs. Cora.  Spherx raped Cora.  He also won the match 35 – 26.  After 3 rounds the standings are Quiphen 3 – 0, Spherx 3 – 0, Mac 2 – 1, IC 1 – 2, Cora 0 – 3, Patches 0 – 3.  Round 4 started off with Quiphen getting a shitstorm from IC.  Literally, but his awesome skillz once again pushed him to victory.  He emerged from the fart cloud as the whistle blew and kicked the deciding goal kick to win a defensive battle 12 – 10.  Spherx again participated in a great match with Mac, coming out on the winning end by tricking the Mac clones into thinking the rugby ball was a giant diet pill, causing them to flee, letting him win 24 – 15.  Cora took on Patches and was able to score a victory for the female of the species.  She lost 1 clone to the Zombie clones, but the amount of estrogen in Cora’s blood caused the zombies to get all emotional and decide not to play and just cry.  Cora clones scored 2 tries and went home with a 10 – 0 victory. 

Round 5, the last round, saw Mac just run over Cora to solidify 3rd place with a 3 – 2 record and dropped Cora to 1 – 4 by flattening her, literally, he was on top, and cruised to victory 18 – 5.  IC took on Patches and this time it was the Patches clones that were lost.  3 were lost to IC’s viciously toxic farting and 1 drowned in a poop pond that IC had dug overnight.  Plus, the fact that IC has no brain, the Zombie clones were far less active then usual, but they did score their 1 and only try of the season, as IC cruised 30 – 5.  The last match for all the glory, was Quiphen against Spherx.  In a grudge match that lasted until the final minute, Quiphen punched Spherx in the balls as revenge for the St. Patty’s day incident, and cruised across the line to win 19-14.  So the final standings were:

1st Place – Quiphen 5 – 0

2nd Place – Spherx 4 – 1

3rd Place – Mac 3 – 2

4th Place – IC 2 – 3

5th Place – Cora 1 – 4

6th Place – Patches 0 – 5

After the tournament we all went down to the local bar, had a few drinks, and set all the clones on fire.  They were unstable and falling apart anyway.

Well we’ll see what next year brings us.  We at the domain had a lot of fun and hopefully you all did too!!!

Join us next time on Quiphen’s Sports Corner!

St. Patrick’s Day was how many days ago? What’s today? I don’t even know. I think it’s Sunday. If it’s Sunday, it’s my turn to post. Wednesday was my turn to post too, but obviously I wasn’t around to do so. I guess I should talk about where the past few days went…

Normally, I’m not a big drinker but this year, I figured, screw it. How much alcohol could I handle? The domain gang went around the corner to a local dive bar. Of course our appearances didn’t matter because everyone there was drunk as fuck. So we blended in pretty well. But almost too well because IC kept getting hit on by some dudes with wicked beer goggles.

At some point, I had knocked out the bartender and was in control of a bottle of Jack Daniels. In the middle of a conversation I was slurring through with Bug, some jackass interrupted and angrily told me I wasn’t allowed to talk about stuff I didn’t know enough about. I flashed him the comedic jerking off gesture and informed him I was having a casual conversation with my friend and then he mumbled some rant about me being a leech on society. So I broke my bottle of JD over his head and accidentally sucker punched Quiphen in the balls. Bug scrunched up into his helmet and hid under the beer tap while the rest of us exascerbated the bar fight. Mac didn’t fight because he was out the door with most of the liquor and halfway back to the Domain while I was dragging Patches off the guy I knocked out and screaming, “Don’t eat that! It’s poison!”

Eventually, the whole bar was on fire and IC was pissing out the flames. Since this was only 1 hour into the evening, we moved down the street to the next bar and from there on I blacked out. 4 days later I awoke in the median on I-25 with Mac’s hawaiian shirt on… what the hell happened?

I might have testicular cancer…How do I know this you ask…simple…I was sitting in the bathtub splashing water every where when I decided to check myself for ball cancer…One had a lump on it and the other felt enlarged…I immediately jumped out of the tub and ran to the biggest mirror in the domain…Patches room…he likes to watch the faces of his victims while he eats them…weird but every body has their thing I guess…Any who, I was rubbing my balls in the mirror checking to see if I could find the lump…I did not find a lump but I did find an interesting fur ball that was thumping with what seemed to be a heartbeat…

I chose to go to the doctors office and see if they could help me out with a quick diagnosis…to much dismay my lethal butt wind knocked out my doctor…the bad part was that he was holding a scalpel and as he fell he sliced my cancer open…now before I tell you exactly what happened, think about this..I have cancer, it is sliced open, I think it is contagious, I am afraid of feet…even my own…

So as the scalpel pierced my alien scote, I yelped in what I thought would be pain but turned out to be confusion…It did not hurt in fact I felt nothing at all…Confused, I looked down and learned that what I thought was cancer turned out to be baby spiders…I became the proud parent of about 2,453 baby spiders…I would list the names of all of them but, I will save you the boredom…Let us just say, I named them all before they left the womb and ventured on…I have a serious case of “Empty Nest Syndrome” …

So what do I do now…I ended up starting bank accounts for all of them with money I found in Spherx’s sock drawer…the all have legitimate names but they have no social security number…I am to tired from giving birth…I will take a nap and work on that in the morning…

I have come to the realization that many of the things that I do stem from pure boredom…I never have a lot to do and I always seem to get into trouble with Spherx…Since I felt like such a dumbass I decided that I needed to educate myself…I took a trip to the museum of natural history…

So many interesting things at the museum…I particularly enjoyed the stuffed animals area…many of them were huge and old…but specifically one caught my non lazy eye…I was walking in the prehistoric section pretending to be a velociraptor and farting theme music when, there it was…The Woolly Mammoth…Man I wish I had a pet woolly mammoth…I would call him MJW…Michael Jackson Woolly…He would do dances and sing me to sleep; at the same time he would let me ride him around and go grocery shopping…

I liked the idea of riding him around so much that I broke into the glass enclosure and sat on top of the stuffed mammoth screaming, “I can Fly.” That is when the security came in and was all, “You can’t be in there” and I was like, “Shut up coppa” and they were like “Get down you furry freak” and I was like “Take this piggy.” I proceeded to pee on them but I ended up peeing on the mammoth as well…I slipped off the fur and fell onto the tusks, ong bak style…The tusks broke off and I took them home…

I am currently in my room/forest of prehistoric and present past…enjoying a fundip and watching the flintstones…I wish that MJW was really here…too bad he is pee soaked and tusk-less…

After the death of my gay bird friend James, I set out on a mission to destroy something from everyone in the domain that was specifically special to them…This challenge became more and more difficult as I had to find out what precious to everyone…I started with Cora…

I rummaged through her room and found nothing but magazines with black guys on the cover, some type of rubber weapon looking thing, and a diary…After much contemplation, I decided to read her diary…I know very well that she would kill me if she knew what I did…There was nothing in her diary except for pictures of all these humans and lots of cats…I chose to take her stuffed animal Jenkins, the one she always sleeps with…somehow I am sure that this is one of her most treasured possessions…next I moved to Mac’s room…

Mac was easy…I simply took away his pots and pans and welded them all together as one…Good luck cooking with this…Sucka!!! Maybe he can make Paul Bunyan a pancake…okay two down more to go…

So I was going to take Bug’s head shield, but I know that somehow I would mess it up and end up in some strange time and would step on a butterfly and ruin the future for everyone…so I simply took a pair of his socks…he is so anal that he will notice in two seconds…and then he will scour his room for hours until he realizes that the socks have been stolen…

Quiphen and Patches were easy…For Quiphen I simply took his Superbowl I champions autographed football that looked like a giant turd…For Patches I simply took all of the brains out of the cadavers that he had stored in his closet…hehehe…

Finally it came down to Spherx…Well I had no idea so I did the usual…pull a burglar, a top shelf, and a Sanchez on all of his posters…the I got it…I should steal the Domain…again…