We paid $3 million dollars to air this during the 2010 Super Bowl but it never did. Not sure how or why it was blocked from broadcast, but it seems like such a colossal waste of money now. Luckily for us, we have the internet and all its public access glory.
A couple weeks ago, I was cleaning out the domain’s store room when I decided to take a break and get some food. Out of nowhere I got a strange craving for an Arch Deluxe! So I went down to the nearest McDonald’s and would you believe it!?! They don’t make them anymore! They haven’t for 15 years!
So what ever happened to the Arch Deluxe anyway? The burger with the grown up taste! They have all this new shit like salads and flatbread wraps, but no Arch Deluxe! Where was my quarter pound of beef, on a split-top potato flour sesame seed bun topped with a circular piece of peppered bacon, leaf lettuce, tomato, American cheese, onions, ketchup, and a “secret” mustard and mayonnaise sauce?
Apparently some assholes decided it wasn’t very healthy and requested it be removed from the menu. Typical. Someone has a beef (hehe, beef. Get it?) with something and decides to crusade against it in the name of everybody else and assuming their opinion is the popular one because it’s THEIR opinion.
Long story short: I couldn’t get the fucking burger I wanted. So I went back to the warehouse and ordered Mac to make me one. I showed him the recipe and he slapped it out of my hand. He said he wasn’t my bitch and challenged me to a contest. He said if I drank half a bottle of old honey, then he’d cook my burger.
Desperate for food, I agreed to his wager and guzzled the bottle of honey. I figured it would be like eating a bag of halloween candy. I was wrong. It was rancid and it felt like my digestive system had dried up. When I was done I didn’t even want the burger anymore because I felt so sick.
To add insult to injury, Mac made a regular cheeseburger – ate it – and farted it back out completely re-assembled as it looked before he swallowed it. It was the most amazing trick I’ve ever seen! Mac compared it to ”solving a Rubik’s cube with his butthole”.
Bored…Holy crap…I have been sitting here on the porch for like an hour essay…I was so bored that I went for a walk cabron…and I walked by the community college…I wandered into one of the rooms and sat down…Class began but in some sort of strange language I have never heard…epa epa…I eventually learned that the class was Spanish and that I was to learn some of the language today…
“Hola Senoir/Senoria, mi yamo es Idiot Chittix…Como Estas??? Yeah, have no idea what I am saying…well get cultured you one language, puto!!!”
Since I had never been around mexicans, I decided that I needed to head downtown to hang out with the spanish speaking crowd…They mostly just called me mariposa and sent me around the block to talk to other gentlemen that wanted sexual favors…but I had no idea what they wanted… although some just payed me to dance while they scratched themselves for five minutes…
So I asked them why they celebrate the flag but all they could hear was, Que es maricon, tu es putita, chupas mi nalgas putchara…Okay maybe I am overreacting…but Spanish is fucking hard…I will keep up the practice…I am still trying to learn how to say, “Fuck you assholes, I am burning your house down…” Maybe that will be next class…
It was a normal Monday. I was sitting down to watch the latest terrorist ass kicking provided by Jack Bauer on 24, and our doorbell rang. I moaned for that butthead Spherx to get it, but he was ignoring me, he was probably writing a blog about how smart he is and how everyone on Earth is dumb. Anyhoo I got up and answered the door. It was a cute little Girl Scout. She said, “Hello sir, would you like to purchase some cookies?” I said, “I would love to”. She asked what kind, Thin Mints or Tag-a-Longs? I noticed that she had some chocolate on her hand. I, being a gentle zombie, grabbed her arm and bit off the part with the Thin Mint chocolate on it.
Well she started to scream and I felt bad I didn’t want this little girl to be disfigured for life, so I decided out of the kindness of my non-beating heart that I would just eat her. So I was enjoying my snack when Spherx showed up and yelled at me! He said “What in the HELL are you doing?” I told him the story and he was still mad! What a jerk! So he had me locked and chained in the basement for no reason.
So now I’m stuck watching 24 from a jail cell and that’s no fun. Oh I bet you’re wondering why Idiot Chittix is a jerk. He brought me a cake and said he felt bad I was locked away and couldn’t watch Jack rejoin CTU. I thought that was super nice until I took a bite. It was made of poop! When I get out I’m gonna eat him and poop him out, make a cake, and feed it to Spherx!
So I had to do some research for my post this time. I checked the calendar and discovered it was the 278th birthday of the American humans’ first most respected Presidents, George Washington. As President, he was responsible for leading by example and setting ‘precidents’ for future Americans to follow. As I read about his life, I began to feel as though (as leader of the Domain) I should learn from these examples too.
First, Washington established a two-term limit for Presidents. I don’t think I can abide by that one though. This place would fall apart without me in charge. Remember the Warehouse Wars?
Second, Washington opposed the adoption of political parties and belonged to none. Unfortunately, this belief didn’t transcend the rest of the government, resulting in the mess we have today. Sure, we always ask “what would the founding fathers have wanted?” and no one seems to bring up that the foundingest of fathers didn’t want Democrats or Republicans. Suck on that!
There’s also a legend about how Washington never told a lie. He chopped down his father’s cherry tree and admitted it to his dad’s face. While his father found it admirable, I’m sure he still beat the shit out of young George. You would too if your son was rebelling against you by slaying something you worked so hard to grow! The lesson I get from this, admit my mistakes to my crew… but wear armor when I do it.
And finally, when I die, I’d like my face carved into a mountain and a giant, phallic monument erected in my honor so everyone remembers how big my johnson was.
30 years ago a ragtag bunch of college kids from the USA beat the best hockey team in the freakin world, the Soviet Union. Today, a young Team USA has their hands full with one of the best teams in the world, Canada. Now I know what you’re thinking, Canada is no where near as scary as the Soviet Union. Let’s face it, Canada doesn’t affect the world much at all. Other then going to war whenever the USA does what do they do? That’s right. Nobody knows. All they do is skate around playing hockey. Which is probably why they are so good. At least the Soviet Union was a country you could hate? They killed people!! Canada doesn’t kill anybody. What the hell man???? Canada has been like America’s little brother, just sitting at the top of the stairs waiting for the US to do something, and then they would want to come along. US goes to war, Canada wants to go!! I say Canada needs to invade someone for no reason. Like, South Africa. Nobody would see it coming. That way we could at least root against someone we don’t like!!! To bad France doesn’t have a good hockey team, they would be perfect. And Japan and China don’t have a good one either, so we can count those douches out as well. If Iran or Iraq had freakin ice then maybe America could kick their ass at something else other then freedom, hygiene, fun, women and food. Russia is still there playing hard, but they act like Germany does now, they say to themselves “do as little as possible so we don’t get noticed and our asses kicked again”. Which sucks because they have good hockey teams you can really hold a grudge against.
So today I am stuck with making up a reason to dislike Canada so I can root against them and drink with fury. And here it is.
Canada raped my dog.
Dry up and blow away like the maple leaf on your flag. Oh my god how gay.
USA ALL THE WAY!!!!
Zombies are Awesome! We help control population. We don’t need sleep. We are hard workers, we only have one thing on our mind. So why is it that we are always shown stark raving mad? Sure we love the taste of flesh and will do anything to get it, but we are slow moving. Some of you might be confused and say but I see zombies run all the time in the movies. Those are not true zombies, they are infected. They never truly die in movies such as “28 Days Later”.
It’s a big misleading lie! We can’t run! Our flesh is rotting off and if we ran our legs would break! If you don’t want us to eat you just walk faster then we do! You could probably push us over if you really wanted to be mean, but that is un called for.
If you don’t want us to eat you follow these steps. Board up and nail shut all of your windows and doors, Zombies are only getting in if there is a lot of them pushing in one area, see “Night of The Living Dead” for ideas on how. If you go to a mall don’t let in vandalizing bikers in, the zombies will follow. Most likely zombies only want to get a good deal at Macy’s and if you get in the way we might bite. Just like when you go to Panda Express and get some Orange Chicken in the food court. Our food court just happens to be walking and it’s you so again don’t blame us everyone gets hungry. Check “Dawn of The Dead” 1978 for hints on how not to let in bikers. Last if you live underground don’t do experiments on zombies! Just like animals or anyone who gets poked and prodded we will lash out by eating you. To see side effects of testing on innocent watch “Day Of The Dead” and see what a determined group of zombies is mistreated can do.
So next time you see a zombie give him/her a quick hug. If you stay next to him to long he might bite, or just quickly walk away we can’t chase you. Please don’t just shoot although our hearts don’t beat doesn’t mean we don’t have one…
I have to say that I have been wandering around the domain and I have found that everybody has way to much stuff…So I decided to sell lots of everybody’s stuff on ebay…
Unfortunately I found out that you have to have a ridiculous amount of information and so I decided to start my own website…I have been trying to think of names for the website…here are some I came up with…
www.domainshit.com
www.bugmacspherxquiphencora.com
www.fuckyouguysiamsellingyourshit.com
www.sdbay.com
www.wootsd.com
In the end I decided to go with, www.iamtakingyourshitandsellingittostrangers.com… I think it is kinda catchy…after I set up the website I had to ninja around the office and grab things I thought that people would buy…I took all of the computers and all of the televisions and put them up for auction on the site…surprisingly people began bidding on things…I had not even had the site up for a day…
Since I was getting so much traffic through the site I wanted to make a little bit of extra coin as well, so I went to Cora’s room and while she was changing took pictures of her and set up an alternate website that would “sponsor” the original. I called it, www.coraporn.com…
So now that I had www.coraporn.com sponsoring www.iamtakingyourshitandsellingittostrangers.com and I had in one day setup a bunch of friend sites and had begun to enter the world of internet business…
On the downside I had to send all of this shit to people and I forgot to charge shipping…so all of the money I made went to shipping all of the stuff…
In the end I made 100 bucks that I spent on making funny pictures of Spherx kissing a camel’s ass…So all in all a good day…
In 1936 Hitler wanted to show off his Aryan racial superiority during the Nazi Germany hosted XI Summer Olympics. The Nazi propaganda depicted ethnic Africans as inferiors. A 23 year old track and field athlete named James Cleveland “Jesse” Owens decided that Hitler was a douche, flipped him the bird, and promptly won the Gold Medal in the 100m sprint, 200m sprint, long jump, and 4×100m relay. Hitler, in standard douche customs, opted to only shake the hands of the German victors. Jesse Owens stated that he did get a wave from the Chancellor, to which he waved back. After this the Olympic Committee officials insisted that he shake hands with either all the winners, or none at all. Hitler chose the douche angle which came as no surprise to anyone with a brain.
Hitler was kind enough to save his disdain for Owens for private. Albet Speer recollected in his memoirs Inside the Third Reich “Each of the German victories, and there were a surprising number of these, made him happy, but he was highly annoyed by the series of triumphs by the marvelous colored American runner, Jesse Owens. People whose antecedents came from the jungle were primitive, Hitler said with a shrug; “their physiques were stronger than those of civilized whites and hence should be excluded from future games.”
Wow, totally douchetastic!! And guess what?!?!? only 9 years later Hitler commit suicide!! Yeah!! Maybe you should have shaken his hand PRICK!! If you were a bit nicer maybe America, Great Britain and the Soviet Union wouldn’t of had to beat your ass into submission!!!
So as you celebrate Black History month and watch the winter Olympics and root for the US of A to kick some major tail, remember the glory achieved by a young African American name Jesse Owens who took the bull by the horns and made a foolish old man look even more foolish.
Up next on Quiphen’s Sports Report: Herb Brooks and team USA tells the USSR to go fornicate themselves with an iron stick.
I glanced at my calendar looking for important holidays to write about, and among all the ones celebrating this nation’s presidents, people you love, black history or chinese traditions, is one called Ash Wednesday. I had no idea what it was. Patches immediately jumped with excitement thinking that the day was named for his hero Ash from the Evil Dead films. But then I looked it up on the internet and discovered that was far from the case.
From what I can understand, Ash Wednesday marks the first day of Lent. Then I had to look up what Lent was. Apparently, for 40 days you have to give up doing something you enjoy. On the first day, Ash Wednesday, you begin by “burning palm crosses from the previous year”. Burn crosses? Then you use the ashes to draw a cross on your forehead. Be careful not to bend any of the lines or else you might send the wrong impression to people if you catch my drift… think about it…
And then you do Lent for the next 40 days. I guess this is something Christians have to do which means as an alien, I’m exempt. But if I had to, what would I give up to participate in this holiday? It got me thinking. The easiest thing would be to give up something with the most burden on me personally so the next 40 days are a breeze.
Let’s see, I like watching movies… so I guess I could watch them on a 47″ screen instead of the 52″ I’m using. Or maybe just watch in standard definition instead of high-definition… I could tolerate that for 40 days I guess. I like video games so maybe I’ll just play my old black and white Game Boy, or even one of those Game & Watch handhelds? Ooo! I know! I’ll give up Broadband access to my internet and just use dial-up! Er… no, that’s actually pretty rough.
Well, at least I’m exempt because this Lent thing sounds hard. I think I’ll just celebrate like Patches and watch Army of Darkness again.
