Spherx's Domain

Oh man… what a wild couple of days it has been. One day you wake up, jump on the computer and comment on Earth culture in some fashion, and the next you’re trapped in a plastic bag and waking up in a sealed cardboard box on the curb of your abandoned warehouse home.

I guess after my abduction by the mutant roaches where they used me as an incubator, Cora, Mac, and IC killed the roaches by fire-farting on them and then found my mangled body and assumed I was dead. I obviously don’t remember any of it. I’ll have to read some of these past posts to get caught up on the details of what happened while I was recovering from the most horrible experience of my life. But I digress. The next thing I do remember was waking up inside that box. The gang was sure I was dead and set me aside for trash collection. Kinda harsh, I know. But I don’t blame Mac. I suppose in hindsight, skinning him and stealing his pelt for warmth was probably a bit extreme. I probably could have huddled next to one of the many fires IC started instead.

Speaking of the fires, the Domain is in bad shape. The warehouse is even more dilapidated than before as a result of these warehouse wars. Mac has expressed much dissatisfaction in the condition of his kitchen. IC thinks the place looks better than before. I think that I hate moving! Moving sucks! It’s hard and exhausting. And where else are we gonna find an abandoned warehouse with working cable internet? No, we’ll just have to get Cora to clean house and then everything will be right as rain.

I’d like to open with an honest assessment (hehe, Asses) of the current state of affairs and their causes before discussing possible solutions. The kitchen is a wreck. Before the advent of the Mutated Cockroaches,  Idiot Chittix had been holed up in here for more than a week. Since he was never properly toilet trained, there was excrement and urine all over the floors, walls and ceiling. Spherx, who we can all agree is a jerk, mutated the roaches in an attempt to mutate or kill us. Roaches will eat most anything, but they were smart enough to avoid ingesting any of Idiot Chittix’ waste. Instead, they stepped in it and walked all around causing everything to be covered in an even layer of IC waste. The empty beer bottles are coated inside and out with the stuff. There’s even a layer of it under the fridge and stove (I don’t know how). Point is, it’s everywhere. Every porous surface, like tile grout, and my wood cuttingboards have started absorbing the foul odors and poisons. After dispatching the Muto-cocks, half of the place is burned. On a positive note, the mice are all gone, finding it an unsuitable place to live. All of this horribleness is the direct work of our fallen dictator Spherx.

This is a sad state of affairs, and one that I find completely unacceptable. However, I have hope. I have hope because of the Quirx that work in this building. These are the same Quirx who, upon landing on this godforsaken planet, had the wherewithal to find an abandoned building to make their own. The same Quirx who decided not to just sit around, but rather to watch and observe humans and learn. Those same who have, time and time again, overcome the adversity and finished the whole movie, no matter how crappy it was (remember Crippled Masters?). Above all, I have hope because Spherx is dead.

I have hope, and that’s why I’ve laid out a 4 step plan to get us to a better kitchen. First, Idiot Chittix will vomit and defecate in the hole in Spherx’ chest and I will suture it closed. This will insure that that fascist never again rises to destroy our greatness. Second, we will burn the entire building to the ground, insuring that the newly hatched Muto-cocks will not escape to breed and take over the world. Third we will seek a new building. This will not be easy, but I never said that it would be easy. I never said I could do it alone. This new building will be better, faster, stronger…and have a bigger kitchen. Finally, we will make Cora into our sex slave and dress her like Princess Leia so that we can breed a new generation of Quirx. With my plan as a beginning, Quirx will grow to dominate the humans within the next century. I know this is a goal that is worthwhile, and I know that it is possible. We only have to work together and repeat the mantra, “yes we can, yes we can”.

So I reluctantly went along with Mac and IC’s latest plan to exterminate the mutant cockroaches only out of bizarre curiosity. Last night, they masterminded converting Mac’s ass into a flamethrower.

The plan was for Mac to eat a feast of only beans and aparagus and then walk backward into the basement with Idiot Chittix following beside him holding a lighter up to his asshole. Thus, the subsequent flatulence resulted in a make-shift (or “make-shit”. Thankfully not.) flamethrower to torch those creepy roaches into oblivion.

I’m really fortunate I had no role in this plan and got to sit on the sidelines and watch it all go down.  Aside from cinging his butt a little, the plan worked really well. And because the fire sucked up the air, there wasn’t any fart smell to deal with!

Once all the bugs were toast, we searched the basement for Spherx’s body. To our amazement, he was actually alive but in really bad shape. It turns out the roaches laid a bunch of their eggs in his stomach and because they’re mutant eggs, Bug says they have an accelerated growth rate. So, while we were coming up with a rescue plan, they hatched and exited Spherx’s body by… any avenue available. Even made some new ones. I’d like to paint a better picture of Spherx’s appearance right now… but there isn’t one. It’s absolutely horrible. You can barely recognize him. Simply grizzly.

Although, in all fairness to the roaches, some of the damage is from Mac beating him with a pipe. And since IC peed on him, he’s probably battling an infection.

I was writing my name on the ground in farts when I heard a scream and a strange sound come from the hallway…It was Cora and she was screaming something unintelligible…I guess spherx had been captured by the giant cockroach army that lived underneath the house..heheheh, cock…I tried to warn them but hey what can I do when the think I am crazy…I told them about the humungo cock-roaches…hehehe…cock…

The three of us, Mac, Cora, and myself decided to join forces against the evil dick-roaches and try to stop them once and for all…all of us knew it would be a tough journey so we took a day to sort out a plan, eat some marshmallows, and do some naked jumping jacks…In the middle of these jumping jacks I realized what needed to be done…First we needed to get all of the roaches drunk…we could do so by freezing alcohol into donuts and then serving it to them…then when they are all too drunk to stand I will swoop in and claim leadership of these retched creatures…

Apparently my plan was something that a retard would come up with, but instead of listening to them I set a bottle of jack in the freezer and awaited the freezing proccess to start…Severeal hours later, the jack had still not frozen…so, i decided to hop on one foot and poke myself in the eye until I came up with an idea…I have yet to formulate a plan…dammit my eye hurts…hehehehe, cock…

I woke up yesterday morning to the most horrid stench. It stank like dead animals around here and I never could figure out where it was coming from. Almost a day later it still hasn’t gone away. It feels like the pungent scent is attached to my fur and is slowly eating away at it. My skin even burns a little. But that’s the least of my concerns after what just happened a few moments ago.

Spherx and I were following through with our toxic waste acid bath plan. We dumped the barrels into the basement expecting to flush out Mac and IC. We waited around to hear their agonizing screams but after 15 minutes passed we heard nothing wailing from the basement.

We decided to investigate. We went down the stairs passed all the empty beer bottles and urine soaked walls and in the distance we heard a strange chatter in the darkness. Spherx slowly approached the sound and suddenly, something emerged from dark and a small patch of light beamed across what appeared to be a large insect. The silhouette grabbed Spherx and pulled him into the darkness! I screamed and soon dozens of enormous cockroaches appeared and skittered toward me. Obviously, I ran like hell and shut the doors. I grabbed a chain from nearby and used it to seal the doors shut. After I calmed down a bit, I saw IC standing in front of me, club in hand. He asked me what was going on and I told him about the giant cockroaches to which he replied, “Hehehe… cock.”

It seems our toxic waste plans had some side effects. I’m gonna need a lot of help to kill them all, but at this point, who can I turn to? Now that Spherx is probably dead, maybe Mac and IC will join forces with me?

I caught myself sleep walking today and when I woke up I had this crazy feeling that I had forgot something…I poked around the basement hoping that something would trigger my memory, but nothing…I walked in a figure eight pattern but that just seemed to make my epilepsy worsen…Then, while I was peeing in the downstairs sink, I remembered what I had forgotten…

I had bought a bunch of rotten animal corpses and left them out back in a giant dumpster aimed at Spherx’s window…now that I remembered I needed to set out on an adventure to trigger them…I was planning on using the sun-staring-eyes that I had acquired from staring into a halogen bulb, but unfortunately I was not able to harness the power of the sun from just a bulb…I tried many things, from acid pee to fart rockets…I even tried simply pulling the rope…To my dismay I was not able to do it alone so I set out to make a heavy set friend do my work, tom sawyer style…

The still drunken Mac had been laying on the floor for sometime now and I was determined to wake him up…But before I do I wanted to have some fun…I put his hand in warm water, I tickled his nose with a feather and he slapped shaving cream on his snout, I also cold salmoned him…in case you don’t know it is where you get a whole frozen salmon and open the mouth around a person’s penis…

He woke up only to be red eyed and pissed but I convinced him to try and pull the rope that would release a smelly barrage of animal upon Spherx’s room…As we came upon the dumpster, something hit me…it was trash day…shit…all of my hard work ruined…well…I will just have to think of a worse idea for war…maybe toenails under his sheets…

I think it’s day five of the warehouse wars. I can’t be sure. I haven’t seen the sun for some time now. Time has no meaning anymore. All that matters is taking back my domain.

Last night I mounted a rescue misson for Cora. I made my way to the supply closet where she was hiding, but I should have known better. Females are so easily frightened, so as soon as I opened the door, she shot me in the face with her fucking shotgun! I lost an eye, but I’m not too worried about it though. I’m sure the site’s creators will have me drawn back to normal in no time.

But for now, my face stings like hell and I have to ignore that pain while I put my new plan into effect. Last night, while I was running reconissance, I stumbled upon two oil drums out back. Apparently some irresponsible company is trying to cover-up their mess by dumping their toxic waste on our property. Normally this would be a problem, but I see it as an opportunity!

Cora and I are gonna spill the waste into the basement, creating a toxic acid bath that should dissolve Mac and IC, Robocop style! This war should be overby morning. Mwhahahaha!

I was drinking lots of beer, realizing that we’d need a lot more if I were to avoid feeling the pain that is being furless, and was thinking about the origins of this mystic drink when I realized…

I can build a distillery out of materials in my kitchen and put all the rotting fruit and veg (nobody eats healthily around here) and most of IC’s feces and urine into it. After just a few hours (about 40) I’ll be able to extract some pretty wicked alcohol. Not really fit for consumption, but that’s ok, were in a war here.

After the distilling is done, I’ll pour it into a few empty beer bottles and put IC’s shedding fur into the top. We’ll have molotov cocktails to throw upstairs into Spherx’s office! Hells-to-the-Yeah! Choke on this you Bastard! I’m no Wookie that you can simply skin and use the fur of!

Never underestimate the abilities and vengefulness of a cook skinned.

As the war continues, I have decided that I need more recruits for my army against Spherx…One of my ideas was to enlist a gang of animals that are trained to eat testicles…I decided to look for dog fights, as I got distracted by the signs and posters that were hanging outside of our office…After winning a couple bets off of Puppy Love Killer, I decided to continue on my path of finding a devote following…Spherx must pay for his mistakes…Oooo, a penny…

I came back empty handed and decided to meet with mac about the possibility of a truce…Mac told me to fuck off and continued to stomp around the room like a child…We came up with a plan of attack, well many plans of attack…

The first attack involves me eating the remainder of the food supply in the kitchen…then replacing all of the food with pictures of my balls and ass…still thinking…

The second was mac overcooking all of the food in the microwave until it turned into pure carbon…This proved to be a bad idea…we burned the microwave and have to buy a new one…

The last and probably the best idea is a complicated plan…We pick up a bag of scented wood chips and place them around the office…Then we let loose a slew of haunting sounds that scare everyone out of their hiding places…take a ten second break to stare at the sun and burn our eyes…using the power of our burned eyes we light the wood chips on fire…

So far I like number three…although I am still thinking we should take turns peeing on Spherx in his sleep…

It’s day three of the Warehouse Wars and I’m running out of stuff to eat. The last morsel I had was that bite out of Quiphen. I can’t believe that son-of-a-bitch hit me with a shovel! Luckily, he didn’t hit me hard enough to brain my damage. I’ll show him though. I may be slow, but I can hide in the shadows and sneak up on him when he least expects it!

Maybe I’ll chew on Cora next. I heard she’s in a supply closet nearby. Gotta be careful though, she’s packin’ heat! I’d drag myself down to the basement to pick off IC and Mac, but I can’t get a fix on their scent. They must be masking it with their own urine. I really should set my sights on Spherx! If I take him out, the others will probably expose themselves. “Cut off the snakes head” as they say…

I wonder why I don’t just eat myself. Could I do it? This war may go on long enough that I might have to! Is it still cannibalism if you eat yourself? And even if I do eat the others, what will I do for food after that? If a zombie eats himself, does he become more of a zombie?

Wait! What’s that I hear? Rats? Squirrels? Wait. Is that a Burger King next door? Jackpot!