Spherx's Domain

Went to see Sherlock Holmes and Up In The Air on Christmas Day and we’ve got our subsequent reviews posted. You don’t have to be a detective to know they’re really funny. So check them both out!

In response to this week’s confessional question from Cru Jones Society:

So I was wandering around the office the other day when I smelled an odor that smelled faintly of the dinner  I consumed the previous night in rotten form…and yet…it smelled somewhat, not me…regardless I continued down the hall into the main office so that I could continue to play some video games…As I got closer to the game room the smell began to increase in intensity…I began to weep at the sheer power of the smell and was forced to military crawl the remainder of the way.

As I finally entered the room I saw the fat and disgusting Mac chilling in my bean bag eating nachos and farting into a bag and smelling it.  I freaked out on him and began to punch the bag as if it were his face…He got offended and ran out of the room crying…I would be lying if I said I did not smell his brand…it was still not as strong as my musk…

In summation…Don’t Mess with the Big IC and his power of POO!!!

In response to a question from our friends at the Cru Jones Society:

What’s my favorite aspect of the Christmas season? Well, believe it or not, this is the best time to check out women at the mall! That’s right! The holiday season is your best chance to see the highest percentage of attractive girls in one spot, all at the same time! Girls are doing what they do best this month: shopping! Where as throughout the year they’re going to the mall sporadically, in December, every chick in town is shopping at the mall.

And what better place to do your stalking? It’s a self-contained habitat! You can follow chicks from Sears to Dillards under the guise of “holiday shopping”. If people notice you more than once, they’ll just think you’re a disorganized shopper. But the truth is that you just needed a second eyeful of that lucious rack. Then, after you’re exhausted from “rubbing one out” in the public bathroom (someone else can clean up after you for once!), you can re-fuel from the multi-cultural smorgasborg known as the Food Court to satisfy your ecclectic hunger. Even then, there’s probably some cute 16 year old (wait, make that 18. I don’t wanna sound like a perv) working the Orange Julius on holiday hours to pay for her trip to Europe after graduation.

Come to think of it, now you’ve got a good icebreaker! If you just bought some Chick-Fil-A from a cute girl, ask her if she’s going to France. She may wonder where that question came from, and the people standing in line behind you might think you’re wasting their time, but as a naive young girl she’ll entertain your bullshit questions with even a simple answer like, “um, no? But someday I want to”. Actually, if her customer service is any good and she wants to keep her part-time job, she’s required to pay attention to you. After you reply by telling her, “you know that’s where all the naked ladies dance?”, sign your credit card receipt with your cell phone number and leave it with her.

Another obvious advantage of the mall is that there are dozens of changing rooms with females undressing and trying out clothes. They should probably be buying gifts for friends and family, but girls get a free pass toward selfishness. So don’t dwell on it. Just find a store that simultaneously sells men’s wear and occasionally “get lost” trying to find the men’s dressing room. Also, wear your cell phone on your belt and accidentally bump into something so that when it falls off and slides under the dressing room door, you establish a connection with the hottie on the other side. This also works with sunglasses.

See you at the mall! (through binoculars)

Christmas and the idea of giving gifts is not an easy thing for me to wrap my head around…I never gave gifts in the past but I have made it a time to try and give gifts that every one would want…how does one go about getting ideas for these gifts?  Well I have come up with a few ideas on how to judge gifts that will work for the people you love.

1.  Determine their sex.   Are they male or female?  Well you have a fifty fifty chance of getting this right so so far your odds are good.

2.  Do they like toys or not?  If they like toys you can judge their age.. If they do not they are a communist and they need to be taken out…Rambo style…

3.  If they gift they ask for is expensive, well time to drop them off the friends list…unless you don’t care about money…which I do because it is fun to piss away…but if you don’t give it to me…seriously

4.  The easiest way to make them happy is to get them drunk before-hand and then give them their gift while they are passed out…make sure to take pictures…

5.  I guess the easiest way is to just simply listen to them throughout the year and then buy something that they have forgotten about but not yet purchased…but that would be far too easy…

Hey everybody, I’ve been taking the time to update our review section. We now have completed reviews for Adventureland, 500 Days of Summer, Moon, Bronson, I Love You Man, Watchmen, Coraline, Waltz With Bashir, and Sunshine Cleaning. Check them out won’t you? More to come!

Thanksgiving morning, my dad broke into my lair to inquire as to whether or not I would like to take my sister to see a movie

“Does she want to see a movie?” I asked.

“I don’t know, but I thought you might want to.” he replied, and then left. A few minutes later, my sister came down with a list of movies she wanted to see.

“Have you seen Boondock Saints II yet?” she asked. “Uuuuuummm, no?” I lied.

“You have, haven’t you? Okay well… hmm…”

“What else you got on your list?” I asked.

“Well… New Moon…” she whispered. “Yeah, I’ll gladly see Boondock Saints again for a third time if I don’t have to watch New Moon.” I proclaimed, but I could tell she was wanting to choose New Moon instead.

“I’ve got other choices… but I kinda wanted to see them with Ryan.” she added. Being the gracious brother that I am, I conceded, “Well, I guess since mom and dad are paying I can put up with seeing New Moon – but we have to dress up and pretend to be uber-Twilight fans!”

Kelly laughed. “I’ll dress up like a vampire and you have to look like the girl in it!” She was totally down with the idea and raced upstairs to get ready while I found my old Joker makeup and used it redden my eyes and pale my skin even more than it already is. I wanted to go get some fangs but Kelly reminded me that since it was Thanksgiving, any costume shops were probably closed. So I passed on the fangs but took her copy of the book with us “to make sure that the movie is accurate.”

On the way to the theatre, we stopped at Wal-Mart to buy some glitter that I applied to my skin so that I could sparkle in the sun. It was so lame… but also SO brilliant! I soon found out Tara was joining us for the movie and wondered then why I needed to go in the first place. But since I’d already committed to the role, I had to see it through. I was also baffled because Tara had said she HATED the first movie. And when we arrived, Tara thought our costumes were pretty funny while the concessions people were a bit disturbed by us.

Finally, we took our seats and soon I began to suffer for over two and a half hours. This Twilight stuff was even more boring and dumb than I first imagined. Five minutes in, I looked at Tara and my sis and asked how much longer the movie was. How little girls find this romantic is beyond me. The Edward character basically dumps the girl (who I assume he spent the previous movie winning over) because he loves her so much he doesn’t want his vampireness to hurt her. Of course, the young, dumb girl doesn’t understand this concept (and still doesn’t by the end), so to fill her broken heart she teases some new boy and gives him blue balls until he does the same thing to her that Edward did. And when that guy finally reveals he’s a werewolf, Bella eventually realizes she still wants Edward and ditches werewolf boy to go to Europe (in less than a day) and stop vampire boy from killing himself because some premonition his sister had made him think Bella drowned herself…

I didn’t lose you did I? Fucking lame, right? But at least now when I make fun of Twilight, I know what the fuck I’m talking about and not hating for the sake of hating. Kelly and Tara insist it’s the movies that are crap but the books are good…

I find that hard to believe.

And unfortunately, the audience turnout was minimal today, so I didn’t weird out as many people as I’d hoped. I usually stay all the way through the credits, but we were gone as quick as possible and returned home where I promptly shed my vampire disguise and returned to working on videos.