Spherx's Domain

2010 August 26^th 2:00 AM

I think I am time traveling…hmmm…what should I do…I want to have a baby but how do I do that with tine traveling sperm…hmmm…I need time to think…I know…I will travel into the past in order to think about it…but where to start…

Triassic Period Sun in the Middle of the Sky PM?

Damn it is hot…HOLY SHIT IS THAT A DINOSAUR???NEXT!!!

1954 September 6^th 4:00 PM

I land in a smelly, smokey, and people full room where everything is groovy…man I feel like eating…I will eat the rest of the potatoes I left in the fridge when I get home…

2003 February 1^st 9:31 AM

I was still feeling good as I was all of a sudden falling to the earth…quickly…faster than a normal fall of the chair…more like falling through the air like I jumped out of a plane…suddenly something that looked like a space ship was quickly approaching me and I panicked and pissed everywhere…mostly on their windshield…all of a sudden the ship exploded…hmmm…time traveling pee???

1910 January 22^nd 10:41 PM

Weird…Flapper girls running around drunk and HOT!!! Time for so Tenussy!!! No how to have baby…dammit not another time…

1966 July 4^th 5:23 PM

I wake up in a baby carriage…how did this happen…hmmm…sleepy…so tired….oh shit…

2010 August 28^th 8:02 AM 1982

Here I arrive…sleepy, angry, and dumber…But the time passes and I calm down as I realize we no longer need suits and I can stop farting into my suit…aaaaahhhhhh…fresh air….Oh wait babies…oh well later…

Recently I have been depressed…how depressed you ask…well, I would compare it to this…I am so lazy and down that I would rather pee in my mouth to quench my thirst and eat the buffalo chips from under the couch…we have a pet buffalo…long story…any who…I wanted to get some help for my depression and so I melancholy-ly slide my feet in the way of a doctors office…hoping for death…I explained to the doctor about my depression and how I had trouble with, you know, down there…so he gave me some anti-depression medicine and sent me on my slow and pitiful way…I somehow managed to fill my prescription and buy a bunch of booze…so I was sitting there watching some drama about a man who was contemplating suicide when  I took my first pill…I felt nothing…in fact it was like I had taken no pill at all…feeling wronged I decided to take the entire bottle at once…still nothing…

So feeling disappointed I decided to play a little game of hump the sleeping face…I found that my furry PP was super erect…not the kind when I was thinking about humping, more like when I am really humping…yes I do hump…so the first few minutes of erection were great…I had my fun all over the place…but after that few minutes I started to get worried…”His Furness” was not getting sleepy…in fact it felt like he would never get sleepy…I ran to the living room, well more like waddled while my penis rocked between each leg as I rawddled…I grabbed the prescription bottle and read…What the fuck is Viagra…shit…anyone have any ideas of how to get this to go away???

A couple nights ago, Idiot Chittix joined me for my Monday bar trivia outing. I was already downtown when IC called me up asking if he could hang out since he was bored of masturbating into Quiphen’s socks. I, reluctantly invited him to join me as long as he was willing to meet me downtown without me having to pick him up. While I waited for him to get to me, I did some shopping at a nearby Office Depot to pass the time.

About an hour later, IC arrived and rather than drive my DeLorean to the bar nearby, I decided to leave it parked in the Office Depot lot for the few short hours we were gone. Afterall, why not conserve gas?

After we lost bad at trivia, we came back to the lot, around 9:30 pm, to discover my DeLorean was GONE! My initial thought was that the car was stolen but after a few minutes I considered the possibility it had been towed.

“If it was towed, there should be a sign with a number to call.” IC smartly suggested… and then went back to combing the fecal crust out of his fur.

I searched for a while and eventually found a tiny sign posted far from where I parked my car that had a tow company’s phone number on it. In addition to the number was the statement that “all unauthorized vehicles will be towed!” Yet there were no hours or clarification about what constitutes an unauthorized vehicle.

I called the number and found out I had been towed and not carjacked (although I’d argue, in a way, my car had still been stolen). The tow-company was in possession of my vehicle and required me to pay them money to get it back. I was welcome to pick it up in Commerce City after-hours as long as I paid additional fees which they couldn’t specify (would make-up later) at that moment.

I wasn’t about to let these pole-smokers mishandle my precious car any longer so we jumped on a northbound bus and headed to Commerce City. After the hour-plus ride, we walked the rest of the way through an industrial park to a junkyard filled with cars. Through the chain-link fence I spotted my car but there was no attendant to open the gate. I called the company back informing them I’d arrived to pick up my car but since no one was regularly there after-hours, they had to send someone out to help me.

While we waited, I cursed profusely and IC peed on the gate’s lock thinking that would somehow open it. Mid-pee, a huge rottweiler lunged at the fence and nearly bit his wiener clean off!

After another hour passed, a tow truck finally arrived with the guy who could open the gate. He explained to me why I was going to pay $400 to get my car back. My bill included the standard towing fees as well as a grossly inflated after-hours fee. The chastizing continued with an explanation of the tow company’s right to remove any cars at any time without cause. Technically, they could have even towed my car during business hours while I was in the store if they wanted to. The Office Depot lot was part of a private property and the property owner saw fit to remove my car IMMEDIATELY after Office Depot closed its doors. Nevermind the other businesses nearby that were still open and serving customers…

So that’s how this retail pad wants to treat it’s customers? Come on down and do some shopping, give us your money and then GET THE FUCK OUT!  The only reason that property exists is to provide space for retailers to sell their wares to customers. Yet this property owner is punishing the customers, and additionally punishing the retailers who lease his/her space, because I am now deterred from shopping at that complex ever again as long as I can be towed for whatever reason!

There’s not much I can do to rectify this $400 injustice except inform the world to be wary of where you leave your car. Even if your intentions aren’t delinquent, these assholes will find you and destroy you. I’ve included a picture of this parking lot above so future generations won’t suffer a similar fate and maybe I’ll get my $400 back by deterring business from that property.

I have recently had a little time to myself and I have been viewing a lot of older movies…one of these such movies is The Hunted…I have decided that even though this movie is basically a Rambo remake that I need to learn some basic knife skills and the I need to learn how to throw said knives…Well…making my own knife would take forever and I lacked many of the items needed to do so…So instead of making my own knives, I decided to steal the kitchen knife set and throw them at the garage door…At first I had a hard time sticking the knives into the garage door, but after about an hour of chucking them as hard as I could at the picture of those I hate, Spherx, I found that I got pretty good at it…Out of nowhere the body guard theme song came on the radio that I was listening to and I felt like Kevin Costner and when he showed his skill…Anyways…there I was hucking knives at the garage door when some random guy choose to jump in front of my knife archery and get himself killed…So not being my intention of killing anybody, I needed to hide the body…but where…where do I hide this body…I had no idea where to put the body, and I knew that everyone would know that I killed them if I hid the body and someone found it…So…I pretended to find it…”Holy Shit a dead body”…but no one would acknowledge that I had “found” a dead body but rather they would walk by as if nothing had happened…Not knowing how to get attention I wanted to make the body promote the most attention I could get…So I strung hum up with a lot of fishing line and said that Jesus had come back and I had accidentally killed him with a kitchen knife while I was making pancakes…people came from all over to see this body of the J-Dude…hmm…maybe I am on to something…I think I will charge people from now on…I am gonna be rich!!!

Well as you can tell, not a fucking thing has been going over the past month at the warehouse.  With good reason too.  Since all of us have a combined total of 86 arrest warrants out on us, some more then others, we have had to lay low and not be “harmful to society” anymore according to our “attorney”, IC.  Well, after 3 hours we were nearly out of booze and there is only one woman here and she’s a raging bitch, so we were getting antsy. 

Since I had flat out nothing to do, I was wandering the halls dragging a mostly empty bottle of Jameson when I happened across Bug’s lab.  Bug, being brainy and douchey and someone who actually enjoyed “working”, was hard at work on something.  I sloshed in and asked him “hey fuckie, whaths you doinenen?” to which he replied “…”.  WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?  So I opted for plan B.  I grabbed him by the back of the head, opened his mouth and poured the remainder of my bottle of Jamo down his throat.  Well it had an extreme effect on the little Bugger.  He started staggering all over and singing!!!  HI-larious. 

What happened over the next 3 hours is a blur.  But when I awoke, bug and I were naked sprawled on the floor with excreted bodily fluids all over the room.  Suddenly, an alarm started and one of bug’s “machines” on the wall started to vibrate.  Bug shot up and yelled “holy shit!  My cloner!”.  Not knowing what a “cloner” was, I didn’t care.  At all.  Seriously, my head was pounding and Bug’s irritating voice was not helping the situation.  But he started complaining about “timing” and “sequences” and his machine “not being ready”.  Suddenly the machine started making more noise, vibrating more, and all power from the warehouse was being diverted to the “machine”.  Which I’m sure pissed of Mac because he couldn’t read his recipe book, pissed off Spherx because he was touching himself to his “Cora porn” and pissed off Cora because she was touching herself to her “Cora porn” and probably didn’t piss of Patches because he is dead.  As the light show continued in Bug’s lab, Bug ran around with fury while I sat there naked watching the show. 

Suddenly all of the noise and lights and vibrations stopped.  In the pitch black dark, only a small glow emitted from the machine.  Standing in the doorway of the machine was a grotesque figure.  As it stepped forward with an oozing motion, bug uttered one phrase “it’s…. alive”.  As the horrible figure came into view, it was clearly obvious that this clone was part me.  Part Quiphen.  As Bug ran his tests on the slurping burping is was discovered that the abomination was a clone of 2 inhabitants of the warehouse.  One was me, and the other was… IC!!  IC had somehow stumbled on our drunked nakedfest and decided to contribute.  Some of his sperm must have ended up mixed with some of my vomit and formed a unique strand of DNA that found it’s way into Bug’s machine.  As this realization came to me, I heard a faint idiotic laughter coming from the hallways.  Bug and I decided that the abomination had to go.  Then we did something terrible.  We named it.  We decided on QuICphen. 

Kind of catchy isn’t it?  Anyway, as bug put together a molitov cocktail to end the short life of the little guy, he took off into the vents of the warehouse.  Over the next 3 minutes the extremely quick little douche ran throughout the warehouse.  Screams came form each crew member’s rooms as he ransacked them with great speed and stealing whatever he could get his hands on with Quiphen’s athletic prowess and peeing and pooping on everything with IC’s fury.  The last we saw of him was in IC’s room.  As I kicked in the door I saw QuICphen and IC staring at each other from across the room.  IC muttered “my son…”.  I took a step into the room and QuICphen saw me and took off into the vent that reached the outside world.  The abomination was loose in the city. 

I rounded up all of the domain and we spilled out guts.  Naturally Bug blamed me since I got him drunk.  After checking our rooms we found out that the only thing of real value that was stolen was Cora’s Frequent Flyer Credit Card.  Which has about 900,000 free miles on it so this little bugger could fly just about anywhere.  After following the pee trail that led to the airport, we bypassed security and headed to the terminal.  The pee trail came to a stop in the middle of the terminal.  There were 7 of us and there were seven outgoing flights in that terminal.  Having no idea where he went, we decided to split up.  The flights were Pittsburgh, New York, San Francisco, Kansas City, Orlando, Portland, and Minneapolis.  So as mastermind of the debacle, I sent Spherx to Pittsburgh, Cora to New York, IC to San Francisco, Bug to Orlando, Mac to Portland Patches to Minneapolis, and I’d take Kansas City.  We decided to meet back at the warehouse in a week whether we found the little bastard or not.  So as we all snuck aboard one of the flights, we pondered the destinations we were going, and what adventures might lie ahead…..

TO BE CONTINUED………..

Some day’s I like to lay around naked with my dingle dangle hanging out, singing opera, and eating chocolate ice cream…I call this my Dingle Dangle Diva Day…This has nothing to do with anything I was just putting it down on paper to let everyone know I have a Dingle Dangle Diva Day…

I was walking in the park the other day whistling some phat beats, when I stumbled upon a small newspaper with ladies on it…It was called the Victoria’s Secret catalog…Who is this Victora and what is her so-called secret?…I decided to go on a journey to find out…this proved to be a little more difficult than I thought…Spherx and the gang had locked me in the park after I had smeared poop-staches on all of their self painted portraits…To be fair I painted one on my painting also…

So I had to plan an escape out of my poop-stache-painting-prison…but in order to do so I needed to make them think I was still inside that prison…so I, using a series of flowers and grass blades, painted a to scale version of myself standing in the corner…I then hid in the bushes and made a bunch of whispers to make people think that I needed to talk to them…Patches walked by and I whispered, “Free Brains”…he seemed to hear nothing and kept walking…Cora walked by and I whispered, “Hey there is a coupon to a hair boutique in here”…nothing…finally some carny looking bastard who had a wheel holding his head up was walking by…I whispered, “Hey Bro come check this out”…He paused and opened the gate using his massive head butting powers…

I started to walk out when I realized he too left a stream of urine on the ground…curious…any who I ran off to find Victoria’s Secret…I hope it is something dirty…like really dirty…

So I decided I’d do some spring cleaning, now that it’s summer, so I ventured into the store room to set about shredding a bunch of our old files. That’s when I found a box full of my old incriminating evidence from various crimes I committed! I didn’t just throw that out, I burned it! While I was waiting for the fire to die down I noticed a peculiar box in the corner stacked upon a column of other file boxes and decided to flip through it. The box wasn’t labeled and to my surprise, inside was a cache of polaroids of various chitti that I didn’t recognize. One was extremely obese looking, and another had a ginormous forehead propped up by a crutch on a wheel. It was kinda gross but facinating at the same time.

Suddenly, while peeping through this mysterious box, I was started by the sound of a fart out in the hallway which caused me to drop the box and lose some of the photos in the crack between the file boxes and the wall. I yelled “Fuck!” and pulled the boxes from the wall so I could get to them but soon discovered a tiny, recessed door as well. Naturally I had to investigate further and upon opening it, was over-whelmed by the stench of ramen noodles and dried blood.

The door revealed a smelly dark passageway that I cautiously crawled into. The floor got stickier and squishier as I snuck further and further into the blackness until, finally, I saw a sliver of light at the other end. I pushed aside numerous cobwebs to get a closer look at what appeared to be Cora’s room. I didn’t see much else after that because I was swifty transported from the tunnel and somehow fell out of the sky and into the neighboring junkyard with the vicious guard dogs.

As I ran for my life, I wondered about the mysterious cavern I crawled through…

It is time for a new job…I have looked extensively and I have decided to apply for the position of hot dog maker…My job consists of filling the skin with the ingredients that go into a hot dog…and I know that the inside of a hot dog is made up of; sawdust, ants, pig lips, human ears, bat wings, laughter, baby tears, and shovel tips…I was curious why people eat all of this shit, but then I grilled one with the team on my first day and, HOLY SHIT!!!These things are fucking amazing…My first day on the line I think I ate fifty one…I found out that the hot dog eating record was…sixty eight hot dogs…so, determined, I tried to up my score day by day…My second day I ate fifty six…I know you all are jealous…

About ten minutes after I ate the second round of hot dogs, I had to poop so bad that I could not breathe…with no where else to poop I hooked up the filling tube to my ass and filled the hot dogs with my smelly inside paste…This turned out to be one of the worst things I have ever done, because the person after my in the filling line said that the hot dogs smelled terrible and that we should taste check the first few…rather than watch every one eat my poop and loose my job I made the choice to eat all of the poop dogs…the first few were awful…like really awful…so bad that I had to throw up down the tube in to the hot dog skin, thus creating Up Dogs…hehehe…what’s Up Dogs???

So there I was eating Poop, Up, and Hot dogs…I got really sick…Pretty soon I was secreting fluids and stuff from all orifices…what I will not say, lets just end it with Children Dogs..anyways…I had to quit the job due to CDC Law and return to the domain…but at least I made two hundred bucks while I was there…

As I flipped through the newspapers of this planet, watched TV, surfed the net, downloaded porn, I was constantly reminded of the current “crisis” as a lot of you call it. 

I am of course talking about the BP Horizon Platform Oil Spill. 

If you’re not familiar with this, well, you’re an idiot.

IC, the BP Horizon Platform was an off shore oil rig that had an explosion on it.  This caused it to catch fire sinking into the ocean, and it’s well was left open via the pipe that was attached…

IC, an off shore oil rig is a platform that drills into the ocean floor for the purpose of pumping out oil….

IC, oil is a fossil fuel that is found within the earths crust that is used in the creation of fuels for….

IC, play with this ball.

Anyway, back to my idea.  There are a lot of people out there who are crying about the environmental damage and are crying for BP’s head, as well as how the governement is not doing enough about it.  There have been countless polls about the public opinion of BP as well as of the governments response.  There have even been some comparisons to Hurricane Katrina, which frankly, was far worse then this oil spill, but explaining the differences to people will be like trying to explain this article to IC (see above). 

However I don’t view this as a “crisis” or a “disaster” or a “travesty”.  To me, this Horizon Oil Spill is an “opportunity” in disguise. 

I say, we light it on fire, and have people surf on it. 

VOILA!!  FIRE SURFING!!

Can you see it?  Hello X Games?  Are you there?

Say goodbye fear factor.  Eating bugs is no longer scary.

See ya Survivor.  When you get voted off fire surfing, you die.

So long Ninja Warrior.  You can take your jumping from padded bridge to padded bridge over normal water, because you’re not really a warrior, until you’ve surfed on water, that is on FIRE. 

Oh that’s not good enough for you?  Let’s throw some pissed off sharks in there that have been in a tiny tank and starved for the last month.  There you go.  Surfing on burning oilwater over pissed off hungry sharks. 

Some network out there will buy and air this idea.  America will watch it.

I know for a fact that America will watch this because America watches “Jersey Shore”. 

Nuff said.

So there I was, sitting there, minding my own business…when…out of nowhere…came a unique type of rain that I never would have expected…It was raining  Jack Daniels and all I could do was open my mouth and drink in the flavor…I realized that the more I was getting drunk the more pain I was feeling…it dawned on me that the pain was not from the alcohol entering my system…it was from the shards of glass that were falling with the booze…I went inside to get an umbrella that I had because I needed protection from the glass but also wanted to drink the booze still…

So there I was, with my umbrella, minding my own business…when…the umbrella began to get holes in it…I thought I was safe but the glass shards were penetrating the umbrella and slicing up my toes…well I thought it was my toes…turns out it was only one toe…okay so maybe it was not my toe…it was my penis…

So there I was, with my hole ridden umbrella and my detached penis, minding my own business…when…HOLY SHIT MY PENIS CAME OFF!!!!!!!!