Spherx's Domain

Well as you can tell, not a fucking thing has been going over the past month at the warehouse.  With good reason too.  Since all of us have a combined total of 86 arrest warrants out on us, some more then others, we have had to lay low and not be “harmful to society” anymore according to our “attorney”, IC.  Well, after 3 hours we were nearly out of booze and there is only one woman here and she’s a raging bitch, so we were getting antsy. 

Since I had flat out nothing to do, I was wandering the halls dragging a mostly empty bottle of Jameson when I happened across Bug’s lab.  Bug, being brainy and douchey and someone who actually enjoyed “working”, was hard at work on something.  I sloshed in and asked him “hey fuckie, whaths you doinenen?” to which he replied “…”.  WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?  So I opted for plan B.  I grabbed him by the back of the head, opened his mouth and poured the remainder of my bottle of Jamo down his throat.  Well it had an extreme effect on the little Bugger.  He started staggering all over and singing!!!  HI-larious. 

What happened over the next 3 hours is a blur.  But when I awoke, bug and I were naked sprawled on the floor with excreted bodily fluids all over the room.  Suddenly, an alarm started and one of bug’s “machines” on the wall started to vibrate.  Bug shot up and yelled “holy shit!  My cloner!”.  Not knowing what a “cloner” was, I didn’t care.  At all.  Seriously, my head was pounding and Bug’s irritating voice was not helping the situation.  But he started complaining about “timing” and “sequences” and his machine “not being ready”.  Suddenly the machine started making more noise, vibrating more, and all power from the warehouse was being diverted to the “machine”.  Which I’m sure pissed of Mac because he couldn’t read his recipe book, pissed off Spherx because he was touching himself to his “Cora porn” and pissed off Cora because she was touching herself to her “Cora porn” and probably didn’t piss of Patches because he is dead.  As the light show continued in Bug’s lab, Bug ran around with fury while I sat there naked watching the show. 

Suddenly all of the noise and lights and vibrations stopped.  In the pitch black dark, only a small glow emitted from the machine.  Standing in the doorway of the machine was a grotesque figure.  As it stepped forward with an oozing motion, bug uttered one phrase “it’s…. alive”.  As the horrible figure came into view, it was clearly obvious that this clone was part me.  Part Quiphen.  As Bug ran his tests on the slurping burping is was discovered that the abomination was a clone of 2 inhabitants of the warehouse.  One was me, and the other was… IC!!  IC had somehow stumbled on our drunked nakedfest and decided to contribute.  Some of his sperm must have ended up mixed with some of my vomit and formed a unique strand of DNA that found it’s way into Bug’s machine.  As this realization came to me, I heard a faint idiotic laughter coming from the hallways.  Bug and I decided that the abomination had to go.  Then we did something terrible.  We named it.  We decided on QuICphen. 

Kind of catchy isn’t it?  Anyway, as bug put together a molitov cocktail to end the short life of the little guy, he took off into the vents of the warehouse.  Over the next 3 minutes the extremely quick little douche ran throughout the warehouse.  Screams came form each crew member’s rooms as he ransacked them with great speed and stealing whatever he could get his hands on with Quiphen’s athletic prowess and peeing and pooping on everything with IC’s fury.  The last we saw of him was in IC’s room.  As I kicked in the door I saw QuICphen and IC staring at each other from across the room.  IC muttered “my son…”.  I took a step into the room and QuICphen saw me and took off into the vent that reached the outside world.  The abomination was loose in the city. 

I rounded up all of the domain and we spilled out guts.  Naturally Bug blamed me since I got him drunk.  After checking our rooms we found out that the only thing of real value that was stolen was Cora’s Frequent Flyer Credit Card.  Which has about 900,000 free miles on it so this little bugger could fly just about anywhere.  After following the pee trail that led to the airport, we bypassed security and headed to the terminal.  The pee trail came to a stop in the middle of the terminal.  There were 7 of us and there were seven outgoing flights in that terminal.  Having no idea where he went, we decided to split up.  The flights were Pittsburgh, New York, San Francisco, Kansas City, Orlando, Portland, and Minneapolis.  So as mastermind of the debacle, I sent Spherx to Pittsburgh, Cora to New York, IC to San Francisco, Bug to Orlando, Mac to Portland Patches to Minneapolis, and I’d take Kansas City.  We decided to meet back at the warehouse in a week whether we found the little bastard or not.  So as we all snuck aboard one of the flights, we pondered the destinations we were going, and what adventures might lie ahead…..

TO BE CONTINUED………..

As I flipped through the newspapers of this planet, watched TV, surfed the net, downloaded porn, I was constantly reminded of the current “crisis” as a lot of you call it. 

I am of course talking about the BP Horizon Platform Oil Spill. 

If you’re not familiar with this, well, you’re an idiot.

IC, the BP Horizon Platform was an off shore oil rig that had an explosion on it.  This caused it to catch fire sinking into the ocean, and it’s well was left open via the pipe that was attached…

IC, an off shore oil rig is a platform that drills into the ocean floor for the purpose of pumping out oil….

IC, oil is a fossil fuel that is found within the earths crust that is used in the creation of fuels for….

IC, play with this ball.

Anyway, back to my idea.  There are a lot of people out there who are crying about the environmental damage and are crying for BP’s head, as well as how the governement is not doing enough about it.  There have been countless polls about the public opinion of BP as well as of the governments response.  There have even been some comparisons to Hurricane Katrina, which frankly, was far worse then this oil spill, but explaining the differences to people will be like trying to explain this article to IC (see above). 

However I don’t view this as a “crisis” or a “disaster” or a “travesty”.  To me, this Horizon Oil Spill is an “opportunity” in disguise. 

I say, we light it on fire, and have people surf on it. 

VOILA!!  FIRE SURFING!!

Can you see it?  Hello X Games?  Are you there?

Say goodbye fear factor.  Eating bugs is no longer scary.

See ya Survivor.  When you get voted off fire surfing, you die.

So long Ninja Warrior.  You can take your jumping from padded bridge to padded bridge over normal water, because you’re not really a warrior, until you’ve surfed on water, that is on FIRE. 

Oh that’s not good enough for you?  Let’s throw some pissed off sharks in there that have been in a tiny tank and starved for the last month.  There you go.  Surfing on burning oilwater over pissed off hungry sharks. 

Some network out there will buy and air this idea.  America will watch it.

I know for a fact that America will watch this because America watches “Jersey Shore”. 

Nuff said.

I’ve been asked by Spherx to explain how it is that I came to join the Domain. While this takes time away from my own personal research, Spherx claimed it would make me feel a part of the “team”. I’ve never been one for sports, or the associated analogies, but then Spherx added that if I didn’t write my origin, he’d revoke my funding and lab space….

Without further ado, here is how I came to be a member of Spherx’s “crew”:

Approximately 13.7 Billion years ago, I came into existence. I wasn’t much back then, primarily consisting of Hydrogen atoms, but I had potential. I was amassed into a large star that underwent an amazing process known as fusion. The atoms that were me were being bound together with other atoms that were me into a heavier element, Helium. At first I was concerned with my weight gain, but I grew comfortable with my bulkier appearance. Given more and more time, my atoms fused into still heavier elements, Carbon, Oxygen, Nitrogen, all the way up to Iron. Around the point of forming Iron, my atoms “decided” that fusing was becoming more work than was worth doing. So, the atoms that were to become me required more energy to fuse into something heavier than Iron than they would give off.

This atomic Marxist revolution of sorts wouldn’t be allowed to continue unanswered. And in the Pyrrhic victory to end all Pyrrhic victories, the star containing all my atoms went supernova. Some of my atoms in the explosion had inadvertently become still heavier elements. My atoms drifted through the cosmos for a time and after some negotiations, started this process over and over again. Each time ending in the same result, the working class atoms get tired of holding up the upper classes, the star collapses on itself and goes supernova. 

This last run through, however, my atoms decided they needed a break and hung out in the solar accretion disk (sometimes called a protoplanetary disk). It seemed like a nice enough vacation spot at the time. But oh no, the universe couldn’t let me just lie around and drink in the peaceful quiet for a couple billion years. It had to bombard my atoms with all sorts of rocky material, which just made the planetary body I was hanging around on get bigger, which just meant it was going to bombarded more and more. Eventually, this little chunk of rock, my oasis of peace and quiet, developed a primitive atmosphere and primitive oceans. I mean, I guess I could hang out on a beach, I thought, but I wasn’t going to pay for the upgrades I didn’t request.

My relaxing beach never came about. Instead, there were all sorts of storms and the oceans were anything but tranquil. Eventually, atoms started bonding into molecules, and the molecules began to self-replicate. When I saw this happening I immediately tried to get a hold of my travel agent to complain I didn’t want a vacation that involved abiogenesis, which is a lot of work. But, too late, I was already there. The atoms that were to become me were grouped into molecules, and then the molecules coalesced into cells which were forced to compete with other cells in order to pass on genes to the next generation. And the cycle repeated over and over again for thousands of millions of years. 

This cycle continued, with subtle variations between parent and child, giving rise to new species that looked nothing like what I started out as. Eventually, some cells banded together to form multi-cellular organisms, but the underlying process was the same. Each organism would try and propagate its genetic information as far and as wide as it could. After several many billion generations, or more, this iterative process gave rise to me. Bug Einme. Nice to meet you.

It was the best of times it was the worst of times.

Back on our home planet I was destined to be a professional athlete.  I excelled at rockelby.  Our national game.  It is very similar to your games of football, basketball, and auto racing combined.  In fact there was a movie that was very similar to this game called “Rollerball”, only less gay.  I was captain of the team in high school.  Went on to college and became a star.  I was named to the All-Quirx squad for the Quirx  Rockelby Association of Colleges, or QRAC, 5 times.  After a stellar 7 year career, and graduating with a double major in Awesomeness (that really is a degree)  and Chittix Literature (I read both books), I was all set for the draft.  I was taken 9th overall pick in the Rockelby Draft by the Raminskis Flying Nutrons of the Quirx Rockelby Association of Professionals, or QRAP.

The Flying Nutrons were suddenly a favorite to win the Glycern Platter that year, which we came close to doing, losing in the playoffs.  I narrowly lost the Rookie of the Year award to Chalep, the first pick in the draft, who played for the champion Terrasoda Invigatrons.  After an off-season plagued by bad press where I got 3 quirx teenagers pregnant, beat up 6 photographers, and pissed on a lawyer who tried to pee on me, year two started.  We ran away with the championship and I took home the Most Valuable Quirx award.  After another off season of issues with my attitude, and another VUI (virlacting under the influence) I was released from my contract.  Nobody would touch me.  I was the Terrell Owens of Rockelby.

Soon after, the dreaded chittix bombing of the Hackanian University occurred.  Causing the loss of 956 quirx citizens.  Flushed with anger and rage at those dumbass chitti, I enlisted in Quirxfleet.

My military career prospered.  I ran up the ladder quicker then Paris Hilton on a 40 year old cock.  I trained for the regular fleet, the special fleet, the very special fleet, the black fleet, the gray fleet, you name it, I trained for it.  But all this training did nothing for me.  I wanted action.

I demanded action, so the command gave me a super secret quadruple awesome mission, or SSQAM.  On this SSQAM, I was ordered to follow another agent to apprehend a criminal they called Spherx.  But first, I was ordered to take out this chittix lawyer who was causing problems within the quirx justice system.  I made up some awesome story about his mother dying and that I was his brother.  I got a great disguise going and he bought the whole thing.  As our conversation went along, I discovered that he was a total dick.  So I cracked him with my lucky rockelby stick.  I figured he was down for the count.  Then he woke back up.  So I hit him again.  Figured he be down for sure this time.

With part one accomplished, I just had to find this chick who was supposed to do her end of the bargain.  I finally caught wind of this Cora chick and her bounty Spherx after about a month.  I caught up with them at the spaceship that Spherx had hijacked.  In the passenger compartment I spied a quirx who I remember had previously been arrested for illicit chittix-on-quirx porn, a felony on our planet.  Not sure why he was there, but I knocked him out with a sleep dart.  Once on-board, I passed what looked like a lab and felt a presence I had not felt in a long time.  But this was not part of my mission.

I stowed away in the air ducts as the ship took off.   After we were airborne, I hid in the air duct while I waited for my next move, watching movement after movement of these strange travelers.  This included the guy who I sleep darted, Spherx, and a massive quirx who was the cook aboard this craft of adventure.  The only place that I could not see from the air duct was inside the “lab” of the ship.  I was strangely curious why this ship had a “lab” in the first place.  Suddenly, from the back, a furry smelly ball emerged.  It was that fucking lawyer.  I couldn’t believe that stupid fuck survived.  As he wandered around that stupid bitch Cora entered from the air lock in her spacesuit.  She had “finally” caught up with the rest of us.  She approached the lawyer from behind and startled him I think because he ripped one that made me quiver from where I was.  She completely passed out.  Spherx then came down and dragged Cora away.  Now I was getting nervous.  She hadn’t done her job.

I waited for my orders living in the air duct on whatever I could find for over 2 weeks.  I watched as the idiot chittix lawyer met up with the porn guy who I had knocked out with a dart earlier.  They had an interesting encounter that involved the porn guy slipping in vomit of the idiot lawyer and hitting his head, which I think did some damage.  I heard the shouting matches from Cora and Spherx as their little charade continued into the days and nights.  It was like they were fucking married.

Finally my orders came.  I was charged with bringing Spherx in.  I emerged from the air duct with guns drawn.  I confronted Spherx and the little fucker was a wicked fast draw.  We blasted away on the bridge of the ship causing who knows how much damage.  As we fought into the night, I heard a strange noise from behind me.  I turned to see a strange little thing.  He was wearing a helmet and standing over the body of the IC lawyer.  At that moment a large figure emerged from the shadows.  It was the blasted cook!  How the hell did he get here?  No way he could sneak up on me.  He’s a damn planet!  He charged at me with the speed of a rhinoceros.  I used my superior athletic ability and dodged and watched as he went barreling into Spherx.  I grabbed my lucky rockelby bat and cracked that fucking lawyer over the head again.  He HAS to be down for the count now!  I felt good.  I gave a little celebration.  After yelling “Home Run” I turned just in time to see that the cook and Spherx had banded against me.  As they charged me again, I dodged easily.  But they kept coming, and I kept dodging.  As I cracked the cook over the head with my rockelby bat, Spherx and I squared off.  But we never got the chance to throw any punches.  At that moment, the ship we were in crashed into a spacecraft.  If memory serves me correctly, it said something like MSNBC on the side of it.  As our hull was breached Spherx and I ran to the controls only to find with horror that our firefight had blown most of the control panels to pieces, leaving none operational.  Spherx and I strapped ourselves in and tried to control the ship, but it was to no avail.

The impact of our crash was seen for 80 miles.

We landed somewhere near Tagish Lake in what you call British Columbia Canada.  The date according to your newspapers was January 18th, 2000.

After rounding up all of the survivors of the crash and the one casualty, and got out of there.  We walked in the forests all the way to the border of what is called “America”.  Since no one was guarding it, we went across.

We’ve been here ever since.  For the most part we all get along now.  For the most part…..