Spherx's Domain

Ok, so now that Nascar is in full gear, Baseball is around the corner, Hockey is nearing the post season, football is still 5 months away, march madness is over, and the NBA sucks, all we really have to do is play video games and watch movies.  Since the rest of the guys play all the Final Fantasy RPG bullshit games, all I get to do is watch movies.  And what better then to watch all of my favorite sports movies that I have lined up in the corner of my alcove of a room.  So here it is the Quiphen Top 10 Sports Movie list:

10. Rocky III and Rocky Iv

Come on, cult classics.  Rocky vs. Mr. T and Rocky vs. Dolph Lundren.  Awesome.  Same formula, same style, same result.  Go America.  Best Line: “I must break you”

9. The Replacements

This is a movie that flat out does not take itself seriously.  Mainly because Keanu is in it.  But it is pretty funny, and there are a lot of unfunny football movies.  Best Line: “Hey, cheers bitch” – muttered to a female reporter by the Welch placekicker while he’s at his locker with his helmet on, in nothing but his underware and smoking a cigarette.

8. Rudy

Feel good story about a hobbit who really wants to play football at Notre Dame.  Best Line: “Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy”

7. Eight Men Out

Based on the true story of the Black Sox scandel of 1919.  An ensemble cast gives great performances in this biopic.  Best Line: “Say it ain’t so Joe.  Say it ain’t so.”

 6. Major League 2

Love this flick.  The first one rocked, but this one is a favorite of mine for some sillier lines.  The story is not as good but I applaud the fact that they went away from vulgar language based humor, although some was still there.  And Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle is perfect in every movie.  Best Line: “Hello Sportsfans and welcome back to Major League Baseball.  Sort of.”

5. Hoosiers

Classic flick.  Great underdog story.  Dennis Hopper as a drunk, and Gene Hackman as a washed up coach getting a second chance.  There are numerous ripoffs of this movie.   I can’t think of a Best Line because I haven’t seen this in ages.

4. Talladega Nights – The Ballad or Ricky Bobby

Any movie that makes fun of Nascar is Awesome.  And Amy Adams and Lesley Bibb are freakin HOT.  Best Line: “Hi I’m Ricky Bobby, and if you don’t chew Big Red then Fuck you.”

3. Bull Durham

Epic about life in Minor League Baseball.  Classic lines and classic characters.  Tim Robbins and Kevin Costner give great comedic performances and Susan Sorandon is actually not bad to look at for someone in her late hundreds.  Best Line: “Alright Charlie, here it is, the deuce.  And when you speak, speak well of me.”

2. Slap Shot

Paul Newman is a hockey player and manager of a last place minor league hockey team that is going to fold at the end of the year.  So he lies to his team saying there is a buyer and convinces them to start fighting to win.  Hockey violence and a naked chick.  Awesome.  It’s the oldest movie on my list, but a must have for any hockey fan.  Plus it’s got the Hansons.  Best Line “Puttin on the foil”.

1.  Miracle

The story behind the 1980 Miracle on Ice when the USA stunned the Soviet Union in hockey.  As a huge fan of my adopted nation, I love this flick.  And I watched it about 30 times during the olympics.  Kurt Russel plays a great Herb Brooks too.  Good times, good times.  Best Line: “Do you believe in Miracles?!?! YES!!!”

Honorable Mentions to: Rocky, Raging Bull, Major League, Any Given Sunday, The Natural, Days of  Thunder.

We paid $3 million dollars to air this during the 2010 Super Bowl but it never did. Not sure how or why it was blocked from broadcast, but it seems like such a colossal waste of money now. Luckily for us, we have the internet and all its public access glory.

Jack has been captured! President Taylor is concerned that President Hassan is ruining their peace talks! The Russians  haven’t caused this much trouble since the cold war! Just another hour in 24. Jack is taken to the hideout of men who have the fuel rods. He tries to make a deal with them, but they do not trust him of course. He is ordered to be tortured, big mistake.

President Hassan seems to be slipping more and more away from reality as he is having his own head of security arrested. His brother has made him suspicious of everyone, and when his own daughter tries to reason with him he turns the other way. Will he ruin his only chance for peace? Will he let his frustrations get the better of him? Maybe he needs to have a roll in the goat hay with the American reporter again to relieve some tension. Either way he could ruin this big moment for his country unless he regains his senses.

Dana Walsh is up shit creek too. It turns out her ex-boyfriend isn’t happy with just 120k, surprise! Since him and his douchey partner saw how easy it was to break into that place they want more and have asked her to help. After talking to Mr. Sarah Michelle Geller she decides to take the matter into her own hands and grabs a gun. These boys are in trouble, remember Dana shoot them in the head, instant kill, trust me.

Back to Jack being tortured by electrocution. Um Russian dude this is Jack Bauer and he spent a year in a Chinese Prison all you’re going to do is piss him off! After a getting shocked a bunch Jack is knocked out. Or is he? The dumb ass, I mean Russian body guard turns his back to grab some smelling salt when he approaches Jack, Pow! Knock out! Jack notices a weakness on the pipe he is strapped to and breaks free. He then very calmly breaks the dudes neck all in a day’s work. Jack tries to use his phone but it’s dead, looks like some more Russians will have to die. He shuts off the power to the restaurant and proceeds to kill another dude by stabbing him. He uses his phone to call CTU. After  the call he calmly kills two more Russians threw a door and nails Bazhaev. Jack Bauer 398 terrorists always zero!

Jack gets him to talk promising immunity for him and his son in exchange for the location of the nuclear weapon which is given to him. But by the time Cole gets to the truck they have been stolen by his son Joseph! Seems he is not happy with his Dad killing his brother so he is now carrying the weapons to Hassan’s brother…Clock ticking sound

Hey 24 fans! It’s Patches back with another 24 update! What mess has Jack Bauer gotten himself into this week? When we left him last, he’d been double-crossed by Renee’s contact Vladimir but managed to maintain the upperhand by having Agent Ortiz on backup to take out Vladimir’s men.

In the new episode, Jack is taken to Vladimir’s hideout where he reiterates his seriousness about purchasing the nuclear rods and convinces Vladimir to make the calls to possible dealers. When the calls yield no leads, Vladimir gives up on the deal. Renee insists he keeping trying and incurs Vlad’s wrath. Renee retaliates and stabs Vlad to death, and in her rage, accidentally stabs Jack too.

And now for one of the best parts! While Jack is reeling from his own stabbing, one of Vlad’s henchmen notices the commotion and enters the room to kill Renee but Jack pulls the knife out of his gut and tosses it into the henchman’s throat! Awesomedary!

Luckily, it was just a flesh wound to Jack and within minutes he’s healed and salvaging this debacle, covering for Renee, and allowing a mysterious group of Russians to abduct him. Unfortunately, these crafty Russians evaded CTU’s best surveilance measures and now Jack is on his own and in plenty of danger!

Meanwhile, President Hassan is getting angrier and more suspicious of people close to him and such actions are putting President Taylor’s peace deal in jeopardy. Also, Dana Walsh successfully helps her old boyfriend break into a bank but the douchebag and his dumb friend manage to screw up her plan by dicking around and getting greedy! Naturally. They have to assault a cop to escape the vault but not before the cop alerts his buddies. But we don’t find out more about that storyline before the clock hits 11:00 pm.

Until next week! *countdown clock sound*

We’re just two days away from the most important sports championship of the year and while I’m excited to see the game, I’m even more excited to discover what amazing commercials I’ll be treated to during the game this year.

For the first time in a long time, I’ll actually have a chance to watch the game with sound. For years I had a night job on Sundays where I couldn’t watch it at all. Then when I finally switched to Sunday mornings I saw the game at upscale bars where they muted the game so the elitist customers could hear themselves talk about how much money and things they have.

But why am I so interested in the commercials? Because in theory, it’s the time ad agencies pull out all the stops and deliver the most creative and attention grabbing work of their year. Companies are paying millions of dollars for a precious 30 seconds, so whatever they come up with has to be worth it.

It’s no secret, beer companies like Budweiser have had the most success delivering such memorable campaigns as the Budweiser Frogs and Clydesdales. Probably the most famous Super Bowl ad ever goes to Coke with their “Thanks, Mean Joe Greene” spot. Or how about Apple’s “1984″ themed spot? One of my favorites of recent is Terry Tate: Office Linebacker.

So what can we expect from this year? Pepsi has bowed out of the competition this year so expect nothing from them. This probably happened for financial stability reasons (well played Pepsi) rather than my other theory where they just couldn’t get anything creative together this year. I’m fine with that as long as I’m spared another atrocious campaign featuring whatever hot pop music icon is currently burning up the charts trying to sell me sugar water by satiating my subconcious need to feel hip and cool among my peers. But hopefully we’ll see the beer titans show others how it’s done with even more inventive and humourous work as usual. Although, it baffles me how most of their demographic is even sober enough to remember their commercials. And lastly, I’m sure we’ll get a bunch of dot.com businesses walking the line of complete success and utter failure with ideas so off-the-wall and ambiguous, such genious may not be appreciated until another one of them goes under.

What would I like to see that I haven’t yet? Good question. More talking animals. Then, maybe the Goodyear blimp… but upgraded with lasers. Less babies. BABIES ARE NOT FUNNY. You hear me E*Trade? Remember when an undead Fred Astaire sold vacuum cleaners? Well now I think it’s Michael Jackson’s turn. He can tell dirt to ‘beat it’! An LOLcats montage that can’t has sell fer munney. And finally, just to screw with people, throw in the girliest, floweriest, frankest tampon commercial devoid-of-any-innuendo ever that makes men do the biggest collective beer spit-take ever!

Believe it or not, we actually have our own Super Bowl spot this year! For 30 seconds, we’ll be pirating the airwaves during the final seconds of the game to sell the world brown toilet paper, endorsed by our very own Idiot Chittix in collaboration with UPS and Charmin! So keep a brown-eye open, you won’t want to miss it. (I’m sorry. That was terrible. I’m ashamed I went there.)

Hey guys! Patches here with another awesomedary update. I’d like to share with all of you my love for the best hour of television! 24 is back and we’re about 7 hours into the new season and it looks to be another great one.

So far, America’s greatest patriot, Jack Bauer, has come out of retirement to help the new CTU (located in New York) first stop an assassination plot against foreign President Hassan and now track down nuclear arms from the Russians. To do this, Renee Walker from last season comes out of seclusion to help Jack infiltrate the Russian underworld. But since Jack last saw her, Renee has developed a bit of a deathwish complex and puts herself in harm’s way without any regard for her own safety.

In the latest episode,while Jack pretends to be a German arms buyer, Renee coerces her Russian contact to deal with Jack but for a price. Renee sleeps with the Russian and of course, afterward, he double-crosses her and Jack. Luckily Jack is too smart for that and has Agent Ortiz back him up as a sniper to take out the Russian’s henchmen.

Now I’m hungry for more! But I’ll have to wait until next week. Until then, I can fantasize about which characters I would eat. Obviously, as a zombie, a brain would be my prime choice and no one has a better brain on 24 than Jack Bauer. Tony Almeida wouldn’t be worth eating because he doesn’t have a heart. Edgar Styles would be excellent if I wanted the biggest feast! Hmm… there are so many characters to choose from. Nina Meyers is really stringy and would probably taste good at first but then turn sour in my stomach. Pretty much any CTU director but Bill Buchanan would disagree with my stomach… hmm, Jack’s daughter Kim would be a pretty sweet morsel…

Well, my eyes are getting bigger than my stomach so I should stop. Until next hour… *countdown clock sound*