Spherx's Domain

As I flipped through the newspapers of this planet, watched TV, surfed the net, downloaded porn, I was constantly reminded of the current “crisis” as a lot of you call it. 

I am of course talking about the BP Horizon Platform Oil Spill. 

If you’re not familiar with this, well, you’re an idiot.

IC, the BP Horizon Platform was an off shore oil rig that had an explosion on it.  This caused it to catch fire sinking into the ocean, and it’s well was left open via the pipe that was attached…

IC, an off shore oil rig is a platform that drills into the ocean floor for the purpose of pumping out oil….

IC, oil is a fossil fuel that is found within the earths crust that is used in the creation of fuels for….

IC, play with this ball.

Anyway, back to my idea.  There are a lot of people out there who are crying about the environmental damage and are crying for BP’s head, as well as how the governement is not doing enough about it.  There have been countless polls about the public opinion of BP as well as of the governments response.  There have even been some comparisons to Hurricane Katrina, which frankly, was far worse then this oil spill, but explaining the differences to people will be like trying to explain this article to IC (see above). 

However I don’t view this as a “crisis” or a “disaster” or a “travesty”.  To me, this Horizon Oil Spill is an “opportunity” in disguise. 

I say, we light it on fire, and have people surf on it. 

VOILA!!  FIRE SURFING!!

Can you see it?  Hello X Games?  Are you there?

Say goodbye fear factor.  Eating bugs is no longer scary.

See ya Survivor.  When you get voted off fire surfing, you die.

So long Ninja Warrior.  You can take your jumping from padded bridge to padded bridge over normal water, because you’re not really a warrior, until you’ve surfed on water, that is on FIRE. 

Oh that’s not good enough for you?  Let’s throw some pissed off sharks in there that have been in a tiny tank and starved for the last month.  There you go.  Surfing on burning oilwater over pissed off hungry sharks. 

Some network out there will buy and air this idea.  America will watch it.

I know for a fact that America will watch this because America watches “Jersey Shore”. 

Nuff said.

Curling.  What the  hell is it?

I got addicted to it during the olympics and I don’t know why.

And another thing, is it a requirement for Women’s Curlers to be viciously hot?

Because that part’s awesome.

It was the best of times it was the worst of times.

Back on our home planet I was destined to be a professional athlete.  I excelled at rockelby.  Our national game.  It is very similar to your games of football, basketball, and auto racing combined.  In fact there was a movie that was very similar to this game called “Rollerball”, only less gay.  I was captain of the team in high school.  Went on to college and became a star.  I was named to the All-Quirx squad for the Quirx  Rockelby Association of Colleges, or QRAC, 5 times.  After a stellar 7 year career, and graduating with a double major in Awesomeness (that really is a degree)  and Chittix Literature (I read both books), I was all set for the draft.  I was taken 9th overall pick in the Rockelby Draft by the Raminskis Flying Nutrons of the Quirx Rockelby Association of Professionals, or QRAP.

The Flying Nutrons were suddenly a favorite to win the Glycern Platter that year, which we came close to doing, losing in the playoffs.  I narrowly lost the Rookie of the Year award to Chalep, the first pick in the draft, who played for the champion Terrasoda Invigatrons.  After an off-season plagued by bad press where I got 3 quirx teenagers pregnant, beat up 6 photographers, and pissed on a lawyer who tried to pee on me, year two started.  We ran away with the championship and I took home the Most Valuable Quirx award.  After another off season of issues with my attitude, and another VUI (virlacting under the influence) I was released from my contract.  Nobody would touch me.  I was the Terrell Owens of Rockelby.

Soon after, the dreaded chittix bombing of the Hackanian University occurred.  Causing the loss of 956 quirx citizens.  Flushed with anger and rage at those dumbass chitti, I enlisted in Quirxfleet.

My military career prospered.  I ran up the ladder quicker then Paris Hilton on a 40 year old cock.  I trained for the regular fleet, the special fleet, the very special fleet, the black fleet, the gray fleet, you name it, I trained for it.  But all this training did nothing for me.  I wanted action.

I demanded action, so the command gave me a super secret quadruple awesome mission, or SSQAM.  On this SSQAM, I was ordered to follow another agent to apprehend a criminal they called Spherx.  But first, I was ordered to take out this chittix lawyer who was causing problems within the quirx justice system.  I made up some awesome story about his mother dying and that I was his brother.  I got a great disguise going and he bought the whole thing.  As our conversation went along, I discovered that he was a total dick.  So I cracked him with my lucky rockelby stick.  I figured he was down for the count.  Then he woke back up.  So I hit him again.  Figured he be down for sure this time.

With part one accomplished, I just had to find this chick who was supposed to do her end of the bargain.  I finally caught wind of this Cora chick and her bounty Spherx after about a month.  I caught up with them at the spaceship that Spherx had hijacked.  In the passenger compartment I spied a quirx who I remember had previously been arrested for illicit chittix-on-quirx porn, a felony on our planet.  Not sure why he was there, but I knocked him out with a sleep dart.  Once on-board, I passed what looked like a lab and felt a presence I had not felt in a long time.  But this was not part of my mission.

I stowed away in the air ducts as the ship took off.   After we were airborne, I hid in the air duct while I waited for my next move, watching movement after movement of these strange travelers.  This included the guy who I sleep darted, Spherx, and a massive quirx who was the cook aboard this craft of adventure.  The only place that I could not see from the air duct was inside the “lab” of the ship.  I was strangely curious why this ship had a “lab” in the first place.  Suddenly, from the back, a furry smelly ball emerged.  It was that fucking lawyer.  I couldn’t believe that stupid fuck survived.  As he wandered around that stupid bitch Cora entered from the air lock in her spacesuit.  She had “finally” caught up with the rest of us.  She approached the lawyer from behind and startled him I think because he ripped one that made me quiver from where I was.  She completely passed out.  Spherx then came down and dragged Cora away.  Now I was getting nervous.  She hadn’t done her job.

I waited for my orders living in the air duct on whatever I could find for over 2 weeks.  I watched as the idiot chittix lawyer met up with the porn guy who I had knocked out with a dart earlier.  They had an interesting encounter that involved the porn guy slipping in vomit of the idiot lawyer and hitting his head, which I think did some damage.  I heard the shouting matches from Cora and Spherx as their little charade continued into the days and nights.  It was like they were fucking married.

Finally my orders came.  I was charged with bringing Spherx in.  I emerged from the air duct with guns drawn.  I confronted Spherx and the little fucker was a wicked fast draw.  We blasted away on the bridge of the ship causing who knows how much damage.  As we fought into the night, I heard a strange noise from behind me.  I turned to see a strange little thing.  He was wearing a helmet and standing over the body of the IC lawyer.  At that moment a large figure emerged from the shadows.  It was the blasted cook!  How the hell did he get here?  No way he could sneak up on me.  He’s a damn planet!  He charged at me with the speed of a rhinoceros.  I used my superior athletic ability and dodged and watched as he went barreling into Spherx.  I grabbed my lucky rockelby bat and cracked that fucking lawyer over the head again.  He HAS to be down for the count now!  I felt good.  I gave a little celebration.  After yelling “Home Run” I turned just in time to see that the cook and Spherx had banded against me.  As they charged me again, I dodged easily.  But they kept coming, and I kept dodging.  As I cracked the cook over the head with my rockelby bat, Spherx and I squared off.  But we never got the chance to throw any punches.  At that moment, the ship we were in crashed into a spacecraft.  If memory serves me correctly, it said something like MSNBC on the side of it.  As our hull was breached Spherx and I ran to the controls only to find with horror that our firefight had blown most of the control panels to pieces, leaving none operational.  Spherx and I strapped ourselves in and tried to control the ship, but it was to no avail.

The impact of our crash was seen for 80 miles.

We landed somewhere near Tagish Lake in what you call British Columbia Canada.  The date according to your newspapers was January 18th, 2000.

After rounding up all of the survivors of the crash and the one casualty, and got out of there.  We walked in the forests all the way to the border of what is called “America”.  Since no one was guarding it, we went across.

We’ve been here ever since.  For the most part we all get along now.  For the most part…..

Ok, so now that Nascar is in full gear, Baseball is around the corner, Hockey is nearing the post season, football is still 5 months away, march madness is over, and the NBA sucks, all we really have to do is play video games and watch movies.  Since the rest of the guys play all the Final Fantasy RPG bullshit games, all I get to do is watch movies.  And what better then to watch all of my favorite sports movies that I have lined up in the corner of my alcove of a room.  So here it is the Quiphen Top 10 Sports Movie list:

10. Rocky III and Rocky Iv

Come on, cult classics.  Rocky vs. Mr. T and Rocky vs. Dolph Lundren.  Awesome.  Same formula, same style, same result.  Go America.  Best Line: “I must break you”

9. The Replacements

This is a movie that flat out does not take itself seriously.  Mainly because Keanu is in it.  But it is pretty funny, and there are a lot of unfunny football movies.  Best Line: “Hey, cheers bitch” – muttered to a female reporter by the Welch placekicker while he’s at his locker with his helmet on, in nothing but his underware and smoking a cigarette.

8. Rudy

Feel good story about a hobbit who really wants to play football at Notre Dame.  Best Line: “Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy”

7. Eight Men Out

Based on the true story of the Black Sox scandel of 1919.  An ensemble cast gives great performances in this biopic.  Best Line: “Say it ain’t so Joe.  Say it ain’t so.”

 6. Major League 2

Love this flick.  The first one rocked, but this one is a favorite of mine for some sillier lines.  The story is not as good but I applaud the fact that they went away from vulgar language based humor, although some was still there.  And Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle is perfect in every movie.  Best Line: “Hello Sportsfans and welcome back to Major League Baseball.  Sort of.”

5. Hoosiers

Classic flick.  Great underdog story.  Dennis Hopper as a drunk, and Gene Hackman as a washed up coach getting a second chance.  There are numerous ripoffs of this movie.   I can’t think of a Best Line because I haven’t seen this in ages.

4. Talladega Nights – The Ballad or Ricky Bobby

Any movie that makes fun of Nascar is Awesome.  And Amy Adams and Lesley Bibb are freakin HOT.  Best Line: “Hi I’m Ricky Bobby, and if you don’t chew Big Red then Fuck you.”

3. Bull Durham

Epic about life in Minor League Baseball.  Classic lines and classic characters.  Tim Robbins and Kevin Costner give great comedic performances and Susan Sorandon is actually not bad to look at for someone in her late hundreds.  Best Line: “Alright Charlie, here it is, the deuce.  And when you speak, speak well of me.”

2. Slap Shot

Paul Newman is a hockey player and manager of a last place minor league hockey team that is going to fold at the end of the year.  So he lies to his team saying there is a buyer and convinces them to start fighting to win.  Hockey violence and a naked chick.  Awesome.  It’s the oldest movie on my list, but a must have for any hockey fan.  Plus it’s got the Hansons.  Best Line “Puttin on the foil”.

1.  Miracle

The story behind the 1980 Miracle on Ice when the USA stunned the Soviet Union in hockey.  As a huge fan of my adopted nation, I love this flick.  And I watched it about 30 times during the olympics.  Kurt Russel plays a great Herb Brooks too.  Good times, good times.  Best Line: “Do you believe in Miracles?!?! YES!!!”

Honorable Mentions to: Rocky, Raging Bull, Major League, Any Given Sunday, The Natural, Days of  Thunder.

I DID IT!!!!  WOOHOO!!!!  That’s right, I rock.  Well come on, what the hell did you expect.  I’m the only one who gets out and actually gets exercise.  The others are so fucking lethargic that it’s surprising that I actually had some competition.

So basically how the tournament worked is not the standard tournament that all you people are used to.  Each of the 6 teams (Team Quiphen, Team Spherx, Team Mac, Team Patches, Team IC and Team Cora) will play each other once, and after that, the team with the best record wins.  After a day where Bug grew all of the clones we had (six each because this tournament is 7 on 7), we were ready to go.  Until I realized that nobody knew how to play rugby.  So after a grueling 1 hour training session, we were ready to go.  There were some good games, and some bad ones.  It seems the competition was quickly going one way with 3 contenders and 3 pretenders.  Game 1 consisted of Team Quiphen taking Cora behind the woodshed like most of her dates, with a 35 -5 score.  Mac took on Patches in a match that was easy pie for Mac, because Patches’ clones didn’t care about the game, they just went after all the clones.  Mac cruised to a 22 – 0 victory, although he lost 2 clones in the process to the Patchi.  Spherx then took on IC in the main event of round 1 and Spherx worked his way through the throng of gas and pee and shit to squeak out a 23-19 victory. 

Round 2 got started with Cora forfeiting against IC because of the smell, handing IC a victory.  Spherx then took Patches on and, being quicker then Mac, was able to avoid any clone losses with a 38 – 0 win.  Quiphen continued his roll but was given a bit of resistance from Mac in a good fight, but came out on top with a 30 – 14 win.  Round 3 saw Quiphen run circles around the zombie clones due to his awesomeness and gaining his 3rd victory to Patches 3rd loss by a score of 49 – 0.  IC then took on Mac in the grossest and lowest scoring match of the tourny, the amount of shit, piss and food that was on the pitch required a day break for cleanup.  Nobody scored a try in this one.  Only one lucky goal kick by Mac gave his side the victory 2 – 0. 

The last match of the day was Spherx vs. Cora.  Spherx raped Cora.  He also won the match 35 – 26.  After 3 rounds the standings are Quiphen 3 – 0, Spherx 3 – 0, Mac 2 – 1, IC 1 – 2, Cora 0 – 3, Patches 0 – 3.  Round 4 started off with Quiphen getting a shitstorm from IC.  Literally, but his awesome skillz once again pushed him to victory.  He emerged from the fart cloud as the whistle blew and kicked the deciding goal kick to win a defensive battle 12 – 10.  Spherx again participated in a great match with Mac, coming out on the winning end by tricking the Mac clones into thinking the rugby ball was a giant diet pill, causing them to flee, letting him win 24 – 15.  Cora took on Patches and was able to score a victory for the female of the species.  She lost 1 clone to the Zombie clones, but the amount of estrogen in Cora’s blood caused the zombies to get all emotional and decide not to play and just cry.  Cora clones scored 2 tries and went home with a 10 – 0 victory. 

Round 5, the last round, saw Mac just run over Cora to solidify 3rd place with a 3 – 2 record and dropped Cora to 1 – 4 by flattening her, literally, he was on top, and cruised to victory 18 – 5.  IC took on Patches and this time it was the Patches clones that were lost.  3 were lost to IC’s viciously toxic farting and 1 drowned in a poop pond that IC had dug overnight.  Plus, the fact that IC has no brain, the Zombie clones were far less active then usual, but they did score their 1 and only try of the season, as IC cruised 30 – 5.  The last match for all the glory, was Quiphen against Spherx.  In a grudge match that lasted until the final minute, Quiphen punched Spherx in the balls as revenge for the St. Patty’s day incident, and cruised across the line to win 19-14.  So the final standings were:

1st Place – Quiphen 5 – 0

2nd Place – Spherx 4 – 1

3rd Place – Mac 3 – 2

4th Place – IC 2 – 3

5th Place – Cora 1 – 4

6th Place – Patches 0 – 5

After the tournament we all went down to the local bar, had a few drinks, and set all the clones on fire.  They were unstable and falling apart anyway.

Well we’ll see what next year brings us.  We at the domain had a lot of fun and hopefully you all did too!!!

Join us next time on Quiphen’s Sports Corner!

Canada’s defeat of the United States in overtime in hockey to win the gold saved Canada.  Yes SAVED them.  Without the gold in hockey, Canada’s only freakin sport (unless Lacrosse becomes an Olympic sport), Canada would of had no reason to live.  But the Canadian players, knowing they were playing with 34 mil lives at stake, held firm and choked up on that stick and put the biscuit in the basket to finish the Olympics out in style!!  Canada became only the 2nd host nation to win the gold medal in hockey (the first being America, in 1960 AND 1980, big shock there, that Canada wants to do everything that America has already done).  While I was sorely disappointed that my adopted country the US of A only won the silver, it was still quite possibly one of the best games I have ever seen.  And since I do jack shit here at the warehouse, I have watched a lot of current games and a lot of archived games.  I do have a plan on getting those golds back though…. nevermind about that, you’ll read that in the papers. 

As the Olympics as a whole I do believe they went off pretty well.  Although I would have loved to see a bit more nudity (mainly from the women and a couple of the men) like they had in the ancient Olympics, those outfits are getting tighter and tighter so I didn’t have to leave a lot to the imagination which is nice.  I would give these Olympics a A-.  The minus stems from the fact that I thought NBC made some bad decisions in the broadcasting area as well as the IOC being freakin stingy like usual to things like the Canadian women celebrating with beer and cigars (hot) and the fact that Ryan Miller, the US goalie, couldn’t put his standard salute to a dead relative on his helmet. 

So here is my top 5 cheers and jeers section of the roundup where I voice the best and the worst of the 2010 Vancouver Olympic Winter Games.

Cheers:  – HOCKEY!!!  Could go down as the greatest tournament overall in the history of international hockey.

Cheers: – Curling - Once you understand the game, it’s a freakin blast to watch.  Or drink too.  And if you drink to it, then it’s a blast to watch. 

Cheers: – Young hotties winning gold – I’m looking at practically all the female gold medalists here.  Especially you Hannah Kearney.  I’ve got a thing for the adorable ones.    

Cheers: – Joannie Rochette – Huge props to the Canadian who went on to win a bronze after her mother dies unexpectedly a few days before she is supposed to skate.  No joke about this.  Takes huge courage. 

Cheers: – Since I’m a homer on this one, the final one goes to the US of A taking more medals home then they ever have at a Winter Olympics thanks to guys like Ohno and Shaun White and other countries falling.  And how bout that bobsled team!!!  They earned an addaboy.  Raise the bar for generations to come. 

Jeers: – Poor sportsmanship was very noticeable.  The feud between teammates and rivals alike caused multiple medal stands to be tainted.  Nothing as bad as the judging debacle last time around, but still people, lighten the fuck up. 

Jeers: – NBC.  I was not a fan of NBC’s announcers.  Sometimes it seems to me that it would be better to NOT say anything and just let us watch the damn game.  During the gold medal hockey game the announcers were analyzing everything under the sun and telling us what the players SHOULD have been thinking.  Funny, it took them 45 seconds to tell us what the player should have been thinking, but that player only had 1 second to actually think that. 

Jeers –  Planning committee.  Failure to realize the dangers that the lugers faced and not padding a pole that was out in the open that results in the death of a competitor = FUCKING STUPID.

Jeers – Russian hockey team.  Come on guys.  I like Alexander Ovechkin a hell of a lot more then Sidney “douchebag” Crosby, and the former’s team gets blown out by the ladders.  Gay. 

Jeers – This shit being over.  Now it’s back to making up reasons to why I don’t like other countries. 

Next up on Quiphen’s Sports Corner – MLB Preview.

In 1936 Hitler wanted to show off his Aryan racial superiority during the Nazi Germany hosted XI Summer Olympics.  The Nazi propaganda depicted ethnic Africans as inferiors.  A 23 year old track and field athlete named James Cleveland “Jesse” Owens decided that Hitler was a douche, flipped him the bird, and promptly won the Gold Medal in the 100m sprint, 200m sprint, long jump, and 4×100m relay.  Hitler, in standard douche customs, opted to only shake the hands of the German victors.  Jesse Owens stated that he did get a wave from the Chancellor, to which he waved back.  After this the Olympic Committee officials insisted that he shake hands with either all the winners, or none at all.  Hitler chose the douche angle which came as no surprise to anyone with a brain. 

Hitler was kind enough to save his disdain for Owens for private.  Albet Speer recollected in his memoirs Inside the Third Reich “Each of the German victories, and there were a surprising number of these, made him happy, but he was highly annoyed by the series of triumphs by the marvelous colored American runner, Jesse Owens. People whose antecedents came from the jungle were primitive, Hitler said with a shrug; “their physiques were stronger than those of civilized whites and hence should be excluded from future games.”

Wow, totally douchetastic!!  And guess what?!?!? only 9 years later Hitler commit suicide!!  Yeah!!  Maybe you should have shaken his hand PRICK!!  If you were a bit nicer maybe America, Great Britain and the Soviet Union wouldn’t of had to beat your ass into submission!!! 

So as you celebrate Black History month and watch the winter Olympics and root for the US of A to kick some major tail, remember the glory achieved by a young African American name Jesse Owens who took the bull by the horns and made a foolish old man look even more foolish. 

Up next on Quiphen’s Sports Report:  Herb Brooks and team USA tells the USSR to go fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

Well as the unofficial 44th car in the field for yesterday’s Daytona 500, I attempted to give you, the reader, an on track insight into the Great American Race.  However, after a few laps my competitive side took over and I felt like I had a chance to win.  With a little luck, and a little help from special modifications put into the car by Bug, I could make it happen.  However, once I hit that Nitro button Bug installed on the dash so I could get to the front or the pack I blacked out and woke up in the current position you see above.  And I’m not sure what happened, but there was a dead hooker in the trunk who I’m sure was not there before the race.  As I sit now in jail, I can’t help but think of the similarities between our presidents, and NASCAR.

The Presidents were started after our nation won a war for independence against the British, who wanted to tell us what to do.  NASCAR was started after prohibition when bootleggers ran from the police, who wanted to tell them what to do.  Our Presidents have had to work up through the system by joining the Senate or being a Governor, winning a primary election, winning an election to get their party candidacy, and finally running for President.  Drivers in NASCAR have to work their way up from the dirt tracks to the short tracks, to the truck series, to the Busch Series, to reach the top.  Our presidents are made up of 42 White dudes and and 1 black dude.  The drivers in the Daytona 500 consisted of 42 White dudes and 1 Mexican.  In the first 100 years of the American Presidency you had real badasses in the whitehouse, Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Jackson, Lincoln, Grant, Roosevelts, and in the last 10 years we’ve had real Douches.  In Nascar it started out with the Winston Cup, The Busch Series and the Craftsman Truck series.     Now it’s the Sprint cup, the Nationwide series, and the Camping World Truck series.  We went from Tobacco, Beer and Tools, to Phones, Insurance and campgrounds.  From badass things to douchey things.  Camping is cool, but driving to a campground, hanging out there for a few days where there are bathrooms, showers, and grills, not fuckin camping.

So as you can see, the presidency and Nascar are very similar, and they will both be around for years to come, whether you like it or not.   And it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better.

If you picked the Saints you’re happy.  If you picked the Colts you’re sad.  If you picked the Browns you’re a dumbass.

The Saints upset the Colts which means if you’re in New Orleans right now, grab your beads and your Kevlar vest and head out into the streets!!  Payton Manning and Drew Brees put on a great show, displaying the potent offenses that each team had in the regular season.  They put up good numbers but the scoring was down like I would suspect.  And did I call it, or did I call it, that a defensive play would decide the outcome of the game.  The gutsy onside kick call was a complete momentum change in favor of the Saints, but the play of the game has to be Tracy Porter’s pick 6 late in the 4th quarter that gave the Saints a 31-17 lead.  Porter, who is only in his 2nd season in the league our of Indiana, will definitely remember this day for the rest of his life, just like Drew Brees, who was 32 of 39 for 288 yards, and that ties the completions in a Super Bowl record, was named the games MVP.  The halftime show was ok but it didn’t hold a candle to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers from 2008.  I like The Who, but you don’t stop playing Pinball Wizard after 30 seconds.  You just fucking don’t.

So now we have no football till August.  And no Baseball till April.  The next 2 months are going to suck.  I count March Madness a little, but not that much.  And NASCAR is fun, but only a couple tracks.  Good thing we have the olympics, because those will rock.  GO USA!!

On a lighter note, Spherx made true to his word and hopped a flight and headed down to New Orleans and tried to open a fire hydrant on Bourbon Street.  He succeeded, and over 10 thousand New Orleans fans beat the ever living piss out of him.  And he was left in a dumpster unconscious covered in urine and kidney stones with sperm drizzling out of his ass and beads around his neck.  However, after further investigating, the urine and kidney stones might not have been his.  On the body there was also a 3 day old Taco Bell receipt.  Spherx was returned to the warehouse late Sunday night.  Nobody was home so they dropped him onto the sidewalk where he was robbed and stabbed for no reason.  Cora then came home and demanded that he shower before coming in even though he was in a coma to which being a woman she was completely oblivious to nothing but herself.  Mac and I dragged Spherx back into Bugs lab to see if he can resurrect him again, while Patches got in contact with Jack Bauer about hunting down the culprits of Spherxs current condition.  IC’s whereabouts remain unknown.

Fan destruction is a time honored tradition of celebration of winning any sports championship or losing any court case against the LAPD.  However, the two teams that play this year come from vastly different cities.  Indianapolis, is a city of industry built by mans own two hands, while New Orleans, is a city built with voodoo below sea level (and it was the governments fault that the levees failed.  If you didn’t choose to live in a city below sea level then you wouldn’t be in this mess).  Indianapolis has celebrated the time honored tradition of the Indianapolis 500 for over 100 years, New Orleans has celebrated the tradition of boobs for beads for over 300 years.  Advantage: New Orleans.  Come on Boobs rock.  Anyway, back to the game.  Detroit, Denver, LA, Pittsburgh and Detroit have all seen riots after victories and losses and IHOP closings, but I don’t see that happening in this case.  If the Saints win, New Orleans will probably burn, but nobody will care, they will be so happy, drunk, and probably wearing a mask, naked and covered in glitter and beads.  If the Colts win, a victory high five followed by a walk to the porch and a yell across the street to the good neighbor, and then it’s off to bed, your ass has to be at the plant by 6. With a Saints victory  New Orleans will idolize Drew Brees and the rest of the knights of the Black and Gold (piss off CU, not talking about you) and they will take their rightful place in the New Orleans Saints Hall of Fame as the cities first official sports champion.  Indianapolis will permanently place Payton Manning’s portrait on every fireplace mantle and cement him in their hearts as the greatest to play the game.  Way better then that douchebag Tom Brady.
So with the big game later today, the world will watch as Indy plays New Orleans in a slugfest that will determine the bodycount of the celebration aftermath.  We can only watch in hope.  My prediction – 34 dead, 126 wounded, 6 overturned cars, 1 overturned firetruck, and 48 trash fires.  Not a bad score.