When contemplating the theories of earth and the effect that one has on the planet, I must say I am simply baffled.  The idea that the world has begun to decay from the virus like occupation by the human species is a scary thought; so with that in mind I made my choice to create a contraption that would save the earth.  I created something that would work, a rocket that contained nano-machines that would, when shot into the atmosphere, bond together to create a permanent ozone.  This being the same design from a previous planet that I was expelled from for choosing to save a sub species of alien lizards.  I had everything set up until Cora decided that she would wanted into my office and distract me with her female musings.  On any other day I would have just ignored her ignorance but today I choose to listen to her; maybe because I could test an experimental drug on her.  I sprayed the attraction mist in the air as she approached me and I could see the effect almost immediately.  Her eyes widened and her gaze was fixed up me in a sensual lusty stare that I was not prepared for.   I must have upped the dose a little too much in the last batch for she was a ravenous beast ripe with passion to procreate.  Never having touched a woman I entertained the idea that maybe I could create a family with her and experiment on my offspring as my father did to me.   The idea quickly left me as she lunged and snout to snout kissed me and I passed out.  Vaguely I awoke to find a passed out Cora and a bunch of wet rubber tubes on the floor and Idiot Chittix wheezing from laughter in the corner.  I will make note to lower the intensity next time.

I read today on website that people nominated to be Oscar. I wonder, who is Oscar? And why people want him? So I googled him and I still confused. There are many Oscars in the world. One Oscar had his own movie starring Sylvester Stallone which is good cuz Patches love movies. His daughter is getting married but doesn’t know who the father is while also trying to get out of the mafia. Why people want to be that? So I keep searching and find Oscar in trash can. People say he’s grumpy. But I understand cuz he’s from the streets!

Then Spherx interrupted me to wonder what I was doing. He read the list of nominees and got mad cuz he wasn’t on it. “I should be on the list! I deserve it! I’m Spherx!” he yelled so loud I started to cry. Spherx demanded Cora get him the number to the Academy Awards. She told him to “suck her nuts” cuz she’s not his secretary. Spherx hurled a pencil cup across the room at her, but it missed, and knocked Spherx’s Wii onto the floor. Spherx screamed so crazily I’m going to have nightmares about it. When he calmed down, he recruit me to join his Oscar campaign that he called “Spherx’s Oscar Cam-Pain!: The Award For Revenge.” My first job was to put pro-Spherx flyers up around the warehouse. I don’t see them anymore, which means IC already took them down and peed on them (or vice versa). Then Spherx made me cast him in a movie. He said it must be funny drama to win so I write film where Spherx born as old-looking baby who grows into a young man-boy. If Spherx didn’t like that, I was gonna throw in movie where Spherx is King of the warehouse but has a speech impediment that keeps the rest of us laughing as he tries to make shitty speech. Spherx agreed this was the better idea, except the speech need changed to “awesome”.

On Oscar night, we sat through entire show while Spherx kept saying, “Here it comes. It’s my time now.” But they never called his name. It was then that Spherx hurled a brick at the TV and called the show “gay.” Oh well, maybe next year Spherx!

Long nights are something of a ritual for me and the gang at the SD, but whatever occurred last night I would rather not repeat…here is why…I woke up…with a…Chinese finger trap attached to my penis…and to the other side…was Mac…also by penis…Your guess as to how this happened is as good as mine, although I can tell you that from this splitting headache that alcohol was for sure involved…Mac was snoring so I punched him in the snout to wake him up but instead rolled over dragging me with him…It hurt like a son-of-a-bitch…try being dragged by your dick and you then know what it feels like…So finally Mac woke up only to discover the same fact I did upon waking…We were attached at the penis…So strange to be in such a predicament, so we clamored out of bed waddling foot to foot in search of Bug who could tell us how to get out…

Us -  “Bug…fix it”

Bug – ” Bwahahahahaha”

Us – “NOT Funny”

Bug – “BWAAAAHAHAHAHAH”

….he then explained that we would have to touch tips in order to get out of this amazing puzzle…I did not understand so he simplified the theory…Bug, “Your penises will have to kiss each other in order for the trap to release you.”  Us, “FUCK YOU ASSHOLE”, still confused he further simplified it.  “Mushroom stamp each other…”oooooooohhhh, yeah fuck that”…My barbed penis and Mac’s elephant sized member were not going to touch…no way, no how…Bug then told me that it was either that or he would bring out the razor blade gun and that without a perfect shot one of us would lose our PIPA Rod…needless to say, I might have the Macaids…maybe…

I turned on my computer on Wednesday morning to find that none of the websites I like were working…no Wikipedia, no reddit.com, no SD…you name it the were all black spaces with the words SOPA and PIPA…I know that SOPA as translated from Swedish is to sweep and PIPA as translated from Polish means pussy…so there fore I conclude that whatever they are talking about has to do with sweeping pussy…is their pussy dirty…and why is the government so concerned with pussy when much bigger problems are at hand…anyways, I decided to research a little bit about the “Sweeping Pussy” problem and found that the majority of the issues stemmed from two areas called the MPAA and RIAA…I got nothing…what the hell are these two things, the only sense I can get out of this is to combine the two things together to get MPAARIAA…I assume this must be some form of pussy pooping disorder like diarrhea only for the pussy… then I thought maybe this is more than that, maybe it has to do with cats instead of vaginas…so I looked at the definition again just to be sure. (http://en.bab.la/dictionary/polish-english/pipa)…nope for sure it was about vaginas and how they must be swept…so I figured I would go to an expert on the downtown cave and find out what they knew…first I went to Spherx who threw me out of his office claiming that he does not have a PIPA…whatever liar…Then I moved on to Cora…yeah did not feel like listening to her blabber on about Justin Bieber rapping so I just am gonna assume that MPAARIAA of the PIPA needs to be SOPA’d…man humanity is strange…

Today in Doorstep Sports presented by SDSN, The Broncos beat the Steelers in a surprising overtime win, the Falcons get massacred by the Giants, the Saints beat the Lions, and the Texans win over the Bengals.  With that out of the way let us move on to the more important news. Human sports are fun but the Domain has way more interesting news.

It is day one of the Indoor Ping Pong Classics at Spherx’s Domain and boy was it a shocker.  We started with a 4 tier roster but two people forfeited by sleeping in and so we were left with four people.  The first match was between IC and Cora and it was a stinker of a game.  Cora used her patented snout blast to try and overwhelm IC, but his experience showed and he handled the quick speed balls with sheer awesomeness.  His violent returns were met with shock and anger until Cora got so mad she dove over the table to strangle IC.  Now Mac and myself played a game; Mac farted in the opening seconds of the game and it was such a pungent odor that I had to retire for fear of my life. 

The final game between IC and Mac was epic and full of spectacular highs and the worst kind of smells ever to be smelled.  Mac started with a lead of 6 to 0 but IC closed the lead and the game quickly turned into 10 to 10.  With the win by 2 points rule in effect, the game seemed like it would last forever.  The final point was won by IC for his third year in a row by a Shaolin Soccer style return that took off all of Mac’s clothes in a whirlwind of fury and left IC jumping up and down like a little Japanese School girl saying “Yatta!” and giving a moving peace sign to the crowd.  We went in for a comment to the winner and loser but Mac was exhausted and IC was stuck in Japanese mode for some reason or another so that is all for now.  But we will return next week for indoor hockey night.  As always I am Quiphen with Doorstep Sports presented by SDSN.

Once again I’m compelled to complain about these assholes I have the misfortune of being trapped on this damn planet with! I used my hair spray and discovered IC replaced it with his own urine! I had his urine all over my fur and face!!! So to get him back, I stole his teddy bear and jammed it down the garbage disposal! Eat shit, IC! He didn’t know it was me right away so he assumed a hobo took it and swore he’d stab every hobo in the neighborhood until they returned it. When I confronted IC about my hairspray, Bug overheard me and got upset that I use that stuff. He went on some tree-hugging rant about the ozone that include some gay-ass charts and graphs and half way through the presentation I walked away. Later that day he was still committed to annoying everyone with his nerd bullshit and recruited Patches to help him protest my hairspray. I called him out on his laziness, “Bug, if you really wanted to make a difference you’d stop whining and actually solve the problem yourself!” After that, no one took him seriously so he vowed to repair the ozone himself.

That’s when he unveiled the rocket ship he’d been storing in the lab. When Spherx saw this he flipped out and went on a profanity laced tirade about how we could have been used that ship to get off this planet a long time ago. He barged into the cockpit and tried to launch it but when it malfunctioned, Bug inspected the fuel tanks and discovered IC had replaced the fuel with his own urine! Spherx ordered Bug to refuel the tanks so we could go home and then I went to the store to buy some new hairspray.

On my way back from the store, Quiphen and Mac had started a contest to see who could throw Patches to the ozone first. I watched as Quiphen grabbed Patches by the leg and tossed him as hard as he could into the sky. Obviously this wasn’t going to work and was surely going to result in someone getting injured. So I stuck around to enjoy the inevitable catastrophe. And to my delight I was rewarded when, on Quiphen’s first toss, a hawk swooped out of the sky and snatched Patches by the leg, carrying him off. The hawk cleared five blocks before Patches bit it on the neck to break free. Patches tumbled out of the sky and into an alley where a pile of dead hobo bodies broke his fall.

Meanwhile, the injured hawk fell out of the sky and slammed into the rocket ship cockpit. The damage caused it to explode and a huge fireball hit me in the face!!! I screamed as my newly sprayed hair attracted even hotter fire. That’s when the urine-filled fuel tanks exploded and showered me and everyone else nearby in chittix piss! I suppose it was better than being on fire, but it took a gallon of perfume to mask the ammonia and asparagus smell for a week. As I stood there, smouldering and in shock at what had just happened to me, Spherx was laughing and pointing at me.

“Hey Cora, don’t get all pissy!” he remarked as he chuckled from the ground.

I love books. Mystery books, Sci-Fi books, History books, and especially Science books. I think writing is one of the few characteristics that this group of overzealous simians has adopted that make their existence tragic rather than completely annoying. Unfortunately, my love of writing is often lost on the other members of the Domain. Beyond the occasional “twit” the rest of the slovenly crew tend to view my personal library as a stockpile of toilet paper. However, when IC announced that he intended to write a book recounting his encounters with celebrities of this planet, I could not help but encourage him. I am a scientist, giving hope to the ignorant masses is what I do.

Regrettably, in this instance, this encouragement led to IC trying to add his “voice” (more of a sickening *gurgle* really) to the world of published literature. When he finished his first draft, he was quite pleased with himself. I will admit there is a certain folksy charm to his backward R’s and E’s, but this charm was offset by the medium he chose to best convey his state of mind. I will not describe it in great detail, but suffice it to say that it took me these past several months to finish decontamination procedures of my person and my lab.

When my fur had finally grown back, I sat IC down and explained that his “book” was not so much literature as it was a ghastly affront to the senses. He took it better than I expected. He confined his tantrum throwing to Spherx’s mint condition comic collection (which probably smells nothing like mint anymore). However, in order to appease IC (as his tantrum was getting dangerously close to my mint condition scientific journal collection) I suggested that maybe a picture book of his exploits would be a superior method to communicate his story to the appreciable masses.

What follows is a preview of IC’s upcoming coffee table book collecting pictures chronicling IC’s encounters with celebrities. The working title is “Coffee Makes Me Poo”. I agree the title is a tad vulgar, but every time I asked him what he was going to call his coffee table book, that is all he would say.

	This is a photo of IC taken by a hockey-man named “Joe Sakic”
	This photo of IC was taken at a movie premier by motion cinema star “Jackie Chan”
	There is an interesting story behind this photo. Apparently a common passer-by offered to take a photo of IC with political comedian “Ann Coulter”, but IC refused stating it would “mess up his motif”. He then let the funny-man take his picture.

I was walking around in the kitchen today perusing the normal foods and beverages when I noticed something new and foreign to the domain’s kitchen…These little orange balls that looked like oranges but midget oranges…How can I explain them anyway else…I guess you would have to see them in order to know what I am talking about…I had to try them so I snuck the whole bowl of about 15 or twenty into my room and decided to dissect one out of curiosity…O, M, G…amazing!!!…they tasted like sweet wonderful candy oranges…I ate the entire bowlful, which was around 15 or 20…what a great time I had eating them…oh so wonderful…anyways I was reading up of the history of the earth and I had begun my chapters on Russian History…Wow, Ivan the Terrible was a freak-o…but I wanted to get to know him better and decided that I would toss light bulbs off the roof and pretend that they were babies like Ivan the Terrible did…I scoured the domain for every light bulb we had and managed to get all of them to the roof…I found a big box in Bug’s room labeled “CFL, caution do not inhale smoke”…naturally I decided that these would be the first to go.  The first two I pull out I dropped on the ground shattering them in front of me but the rest I managed to toss at the foot of the domain right in front of the air conditioning unit…With the rest of the bulbs I had a throwing contest with myself to see how far IC 1 could throw a bulb versus IC 2…IC 2 beat the shit out of IC 1 and I complemented myself on a job well done, but some sort of lacking still was inside of me…I just wanted to keep throwing stuff off of the roof…but what else should I throw…I went out back to see if there was anything in the dumpster that I could toss off the roof when I found three old truck tires just laying next to our dumpster…Suddenly it hit me…I could stuff Cora, Bug, and Spherx inside of these tires and toss them down a hillside into traffic thereby giving them satisfaction and fun while giving myself something to fun to do as well…When I go into the house I found everyone was laying on the ground twitching and sleeping…lazy  bastards…so I slowly dragged each one to the top of a nearby hilltop…I was going to bring Mac, but…have you seen that guy, look and me and then him…there is no freaking way I will be able to carry his ass up this hill…I put each one of them into the tires, but at the last second decided to put Bug and Cora in one tire so that I could tell them they had tire sex and not to worry I made sure they used a rubber…tire…I kicked Spherx first, hey someone had to be the test dummy…perfection, he rolled down the hill and through traffic and slammed into the domain garage door…Team Safe Sex was next with the same end result…I had one tire left and decided that I would toss myself down the hillside…it was awesome fun for about two seconds until I forgot where I was and the proceeded to twitch and shit myself at the same time as I was rolling down this hill in a giant tire into traffic where I slammed into at least 5 cars throwing shit everywhere and finally I slowly rolled to the domain…Bug and Cora, had exited their tire and Spherx was still twitching on the side…Bug started screaming at me about the light bulbs and said that they were full of mercury or something planet related and that everyone got sick from it…Mac, who I assume had heard all of the screaming came out crying that someone had eaten his constipation cure…Cora asked him what it was and he told her about his attempt to eat so much vitamin C that he would crap his pants, and that he found out that tangerines had the right amount to give him a little poop but no pain… I stood up, crap covered, and with everyone glaring at me was able to say, “Well at least you guys had safe sex” before I passed out…